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unfinished

your face is a photograph
in my mind
I remember the lines
the curves the flaws
everything that made you mine.

memories fade but these photographs last
forever etched in this pit
reminding me of you, of us, of love
Love broken from the start
yet we had no other name for it.

pictures stay forgotten in this dusty mind
until something brings it rushing back
brings you close enough
that I might reach out and touch
us before that wrenching crack.

Unfinished we shall be, love
eternally unfinished.

Such a Gleek

My latest find -
Glee radio, all day, every day, all the time!!! Features Glee covers and the original versions and even other music by the Glee stars.

Where is the pain

I looked for him on facebook the other day.I wanted to see who he had become; I wanted to know what he looked like, what he did for a living, if he had a wife and kids, if he had any daughters.

Fortunately, there’s only so far you get with a first name.

That’s more than I have for the others. His is the only face I remember. There are times I wish I could go back and rewrite my life, then I wouldn’t be the pathetic person that I am today. If I had only told my family sooner. If I had stayed away from each of them. If I had said’ No’. If I had been stronger.

If …then.

On the subway this morning, I thought about what it would mean to become a cutter. I could pretend that it was an accident instead of unnecessarily alarming people. No one needed to know, it would be my secret. My scars to represent the pain I never knew.  The sting of the blade and the flowing blood would give me something to feel instead of this empty nothingness that I don’t even have a name for. I wasn’t raped, I wasn’t violently assaulted; there wasn’t any physical pain, only a sense of odd discomfort as I tried to focus on the book I was reading.

The more I thought about it, however, I decided that I couldn’t go through with it because keeping a secret like that hidden underneath my fading cheery disposition seemed far too difficult a task.

I’m back to not feeling, not crying, only living from one day to the next, plagued by the same questions, frustrated, wanting only to feel a little pain, a little something to bring the tears.

What do you do when you are
being touched against your will
When every cell in your body
is screaming to escape
when your mind has tried to leave you
and your heart has pronounced itself dead.

How do you rise from the ground
where you have justbeen ripped open
Go about another day
without the weight of him crushing you

Ignoring your screams
they averted their eyes
choosing to be blind and deaf
speaking out is
much too hard

How do you look on the face
of the child born of that night
does the face of one so innocent
cause your heart to melt
or does it only remind you
of the horror that was

How can you live
like it didn’t happen
How can you live
when I just watched myself die

Sunday night musings

  • I’ve been noticing this strange ad online. I usually don’t pay attention to ads but this one was a little disturbing. Using your picture and that of a friend to predict what your baby will look like. What is going on here? Are people generally fantasizing about having children with their friends? It didn’t say ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. It just said ‘friend’. Isn’t that just plain creepy?
  • I have a full week of work ahead. I’m glad for all the money that it will bring in but I’m also preparing myself to be completely exhausted and grumpy. That’s not a good way to start a week.
  • Finding an old acquaintance or friend on Facebook is great but then comes the ‘Omg! How are you?’. There is no good way to answer that question. Most answers are ‘I’m great/fine/good’. What else could you expect? No one is really going to tell you all the things that are going badly in their life or how miserable they really are, or in the case of a few, how happy they are. Because they don’t really know you. You’re someone from their past that they’ve happened to ‘bump’ into on a social networking website.
  • I hate working on the weekends because that’s when all the couples come in to get some lunch on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon. Watching them hold hands, rub noses and make out is a little nauseating.
    Excuse me while I throw up on your food.
  • When did I become like this? Or was I always like this and just never noticed?

Silver lining to every cloud. That was fine when I was younger but the older I get, I get the distinct feeling that we were all being duped. Those silver linings are few and far between, instead clouds of all shapes, colours and sizes are the ones that take over. When you get so caught up in hope of that silver lining to your present cloud, you might not notice that giant, dark cloud moving steadily towards you. In the end, the sharp fall from feeling giddy with hope to absolutely miserable makes you wonder why you bothered with the stupid silver dot of a line in the first place.

Lesson learned – The happier you are, the greater the fall, the harder it hurts.

Happy miserable weekend everyone.

-enit

Confuzzled

Let’s be honest. I love attention. Not the look-at-that-crazy-cat-lady kind but more the Damn-who-is-that-girl. However, there are times when I know that the attention is not going to do me any good and so I take measures to ensure that I am not getting any unwanted attention. But honestly, it is like the universe has it out for me! Here I am just minding my own business, not asking for any trouble but everyone wants to be with me, hear from me, talk to me etc etc.. This would have been fine if I was trying really hard to get attention but when I’m trying not to…

I’m confused.

Today was so ridiculous! I came in around 1.30 am from work. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so I did some work online before I went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep until after 5 am. I had to wake up by 10.30 am for my next shift at work.

I had a giant cup of coffee on my way there. Did not help.

From the time I started, everything that could possibly go wrong did. Punched in wrong orders, gave the wrong change, collected the wrong amounts, gave the wrong order out, burnt four trays of bacon (this was not really my fault; while I was busy taking orders, someone hit the timer but didn’t take the bacon out of the oven) And I was also  moving like a ‘snail’.

I feel 75 on the inside.

What a bloody sick day.

One good thing – my co-workers were pretty decent about this. They knew I was having a hard day or they were afraid I would start to cry at some point. I don’t think I would have. I seem to be running low on tears for the past few weeks.

I hope tomorrow is better.

for-nevers

To you,

Read carefully.

You and me wrote a bad romance.

I don’t want to be friends anymore.

So don’t play that game with me.

Don’t come crawling back.

We closed the book.

It stays that way forever.

Sincerely,
- me

  • I had to read the Harry Potter and Philosopher’s Stone in my Children’s Lit. class and then I was curious about the rest of the books, but instead of reading it, I watched the movies. Waiting for the final movie to come out so I can be done with Harry Potter forever.
  • My favorite movie in the series was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Reason? Robbie P. dies in the end!
  • I wish that Hermione and Ron would do something about their sexual tension. It is bloody frustrating.
  • Emma Watson is so adorable though.
  • Time to do laundry.
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