Category: Me!


Silver lining to every cloud. That was fine when I was younger but the older I get, I get the distinct feeling that we were all being duped. Those silver linings are few and far between, instead clouds of all shapes, colours and sizes are the ones that take over. When you get so caught up in hope of that silver lining to your present cloud, you might not notice that giant, dark cloud moving steadily towards you. In the end, the sharp fall from feeling giddy with hope to absolutely miserable makes you wonder why you bothered with the stupid silver dot of a line in the first place.

Lesson learned – The happier you are, the greater the fall, the harder it hurts.

Happy miserable weekend everyone.

-enit

December blues

  1. My first turkey dinner of the year today, at the Holiday party I helped organize at the shelter. I can’t believe its over, after all the planning, decorating, practice sessions with the kids, multiple trips from the basement to the second floor, it’s done. I’m exhausted. Dinner was good though.
  2. After three months, I feel like I’m finally connecting with the women and children. I love these kids, they make me laugh and cry with all their antics. But what I love best of all… the hugs. =)
  3. My first Christmas away from family and as much as I try not to think about it, the thought and the emotion that follows shows up pretty often… No matter how awesome my friends are here, it’s just not the same. We didn’t have any traditions that we followed but we were all together at that time, all four of us. And that made it special enough.
  4. I’m one week away from completing my third semester in this program; which means I have until April to figure out life and what I want to do. It is at times like this, that I just want to shut down and have someone else make all the decisions for me. Growing up sucks.
  5. I miss making music… For so long that was who I thought I was. The singer, musician, song writer. An artist of sorts. It wasn’t perfect but it was mine… and now I don’t really know where I stand. For now, I look on from the sidelines. Maybe I’ll find another passion, maybe I won’t.
  6. Justin turned 21 last week. He’s growing up and I’m trying to catch up. I miss you kid.
  7. I hate this December.

Update

Today, I was with kids for most of the evening watching them run, jump, laugh, scream and occasionally cry in the Halloween party that we hosted. There’s also the extra fun that a sugar rush( read candy, cookies, cupcakes, pop) brings.
All that happened after that was lots more screaming, running, jumping and crying.
I love being at my placement. =)

Other things I love…Fall!! Everything is so beautiful. Red, Orange and Yellow, the almost nude trees, the little squirrels running about, the wind through my hair. The only problem is that I am never appropriately dressed for the weather. Somedays, I wear too much and its warm outside. other days, I wear less and then its cold. I don’t understand. The weather network is no help

Asides from that… if I don’t look straight at the problem, maybe it will go away.

– I have so many thoughts running through my head all day, every day and I really must pen at least some of them down. Not all since… well that would just not be a very good idea.

– Most of my Christian life was spent trying to be good and along with that came an accusing, judgmental view of everyone who was not ‘right’. Recently, I sat back and thought about how I had judged several people for their lifestyle, their opinions, their choices, class, race, gender, age, sexuality etc etc when really there is no reason for me to judge. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, Who Am I? And who said that I could ever sit back on my high throne and judge the rest of the world like I was made from a different, more superior mud? If anything, I have made far more mistakes and have had several regrets and a staggering number of failures. So, I just wanted to say, that whoever you are, whatever you choose to do with your life is your business. It is between you and God. I have no say in the matter. I choose not to judge you based on my own prejudices and personal system of beliefs and if you still feel like I am tell me. Because I know that the worst moments in my life are not while making the decision or a mistake, its feeling judged after.

– In 2 weeks, I will be on Indian soil and that leaves me, at all times of the day or night, restless and unable to sleep. I dream about it when I am sleeping, I am constantly making lists of things to take with me and then seperate lists of what to bring back. It is driving me insane!! Part of me is afraid that once I am there, everyone will be busy working or studying. Which leaves me at the mercy of my family and while I love them dearly, I really am not ready to discuss the one topic that I know is on their minds. “A suitable boy for me and how to attain him” a.k.a A.S.B.F.M.A.H.T.A.H. I get it… as my family, you are worried for me and you want to see me happy. But give me a chance at discovering myself first. I feel like I don’t know me at all. I am just understanding what sort of person I am.. Just barely. I am not yet completely independent and until I find myself.. I can’t commit to being in something as momentous as marriage. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I always have… But those were silly flighty dreams of a schoolgirl. I don’t know Christine the woman yet.So back off, let me breathe and no one will be hurt.

– I had some store credit from a bad purchase last year and I put it to some good use today. 🙂 I love shopping!

– I really want to paint my toe nails some deep dark color but thinking of spending money that I don’t have on nail paint and other such fancy things  makes me a little sad.

– I spent a considerable amount of time at the bookstore today. So many books that I wanted to read and buy and gift… I want:
Emily Giffin’s books – ‘Love the one you’re with’ and ‘Baby Proof’
‘Twenties Girl’ – Sophie Kinsella
‘Secrets of a Shoe Addict: a novel’ – Harbison Beth
‘Confession of an Ugly Stepsister’ – Gregory Maguire
The Gatecrasher: a novel’ – Madeleine Wickham (Spohie Kinsella)
‘The book of Negroes’ – Lawrence Hill
‘I love you, Beth Cooper’ – Larry Doyle
‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ – Philippa Gregory
I also want to re-read ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife’.. I loved that book.
*sigh* Again, this no money situation really really sucks.

– Back to school in a month and a half. Yay!

– Just a shout out to Niki. She’s got a great blog that I really enjoy reading. I know you will too. This means you Shee. 🙂

– I will home in 2 weeks! Did I say that already? Ah, who cares! Home! To my bed, to my walls, to my cupboard, to my Justin, my ‘rents and my Noah. 😀

Beni has an exam tomorrow and we thought it would be a great time to make brownies during the course of which there were several interesting moments-

“Cough” (pronounced ‘cuff’)

“Pissa” (Pizza as a Mallu would say it)

“You have so much ‘cuff’, you should go to the Ee-yen-dee (ENT)”

“The Quoon (queen) has a cuff, let’s give her a blaanget (blanket) and a kuilt (quilt) and then take her to an Ee-yen-dee”

“Spaagatti” (Spaghetti)

“oh there’s a creamy inside” (Dont ask me.. Ask beni)

“Let’s mix the creamy with the brownie”

“CooCoombur” (Cucumber)

“Creamy cuff”

“My cuff tasted weird”

“How do I make my cuff taste creamy?”

“Skin treatment is rubbing creamy and brownie mix on skin”

“Otri beautifull”

The brownies were pretty good. A little too “creamy” maybe but still good.

-The weather has been so beautiful today. It was pleasantly warm in the morning and then it started to rain by the time I left placement.. and it hasnt stopped since. Reminds me so much of home.

-Beni is finally in Toronto! She’s moving in tomorrow morning… I can barely believe this is actually happening. Part of me feels like I am in some elaborate dream.

– In Beni’s honour, I changed the look of my room. I moved the furniture around.. Did some cleaning. Still havent gotten a chance to organise. ugh.. I like the way I have it arranged for now. Its cosy. Maybe I’ll put up pictures at a later date.

– After all the room decorating and cleaning, its past 1 am and as always I am sitting here awake, writing a blog post.

– Time to go watch Lost.

Rain rain rain rain. *sigh*
-Enit

So…

…I got my work permit and now I need to start looking for a job and all that. All my mother has to say to that is why didn’t I start on things sooner.

Sometimes people just don’t get how scary and overwhelming this whole thing is. I am not used to having to do everything by myself and its a learning process but its really scary sometimes and I wish someone would understand what that means.

I really thought I was ready for everything that moving here would bring, every battle, every problem, every struggle but now that I am here.. I still feel tiny and incapable of doing what I need to do.

All I am asking is that you understand.
Be my friend. Be here. That’s all I want.

Seriously.

OK. I’ve had it.
Everyone is either getting married, having babies or entering into relationships. Enough already!
I could not be happier for you guys.. really.
But do you have to throw it in my face?! Facebook, emails, TV, videos, movies.. all they talk about is love, marriage, children.. blah blah blah.
And I am finally frustrated.

I used to be ok with being single. Really. But that was when I was home and I had things to do on Valentine’s Day like go watch a movie with my friends or go out for lunch or dinner or evade the Shiv Sainiks.. something other than what this Valentine’s weekend is going to be. Spent at home. By myself.

I feel depressed already.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record…Sometimes I wonder if there is someone out there for me. I feel old, bloated and unattractive. I even wonder if I should have held on to those relationships in my past even though I know that were completely wrong for me…  just so that I’d have someone to call at the end of the day.

Ugh. I hate what I’ve become. Pathetic.

Making sense of it all

My life has been a drag lately. Nothing but assignments and school and sleep. OH and also food. Lots of food. 😀 I feel like I’m here and I’m missing out on everything back home. Like part of me still lives there and wants to experience everything that they are. A conversation that W and I were having a month after I had moved here, he was telling me to let go because I can’t be in two places at once and how I wouldn’t be able to enjoy what I have here if I’m still holding on to what I left behind. But it’s hard. I knew it would be. I never thought it would be easy. Its been tough as hell. But I made it through my first semester here. I made some good friends. I’ve seen the good, the bad and the horribly ugly. I’ve stepped out. Boldly.

and yet…

part of me wants to be back there… where life was so much simpler. Where I knew everyone and they knew me. I think the hardest part about all this is finding yourself in the midst of a new people. I’ve always defined myself by my family, my friends and my church. Now, I see me in a different light. I’m such a child. I thought I was being all grown up and mature. Like getting on a plane and continent hopping was somehow going to miraculously change me…

I have changed but not for the better I’m afraid. Part of me is sad at what I’ve become but it also increases my determination to find myself in God. A need to know who I am.

And I will. By the end of all this, I will know the answer.

My weekend

As the weekend draws closer to an end, I want to sit back and reflect. You may (or may not) know how utterly horrible my last weekend was and I was so scared of something similar happening again that I tried my best to be extra careful. Like all other weekends, I stayed at home for most of it, slept in really really late on Saturday and generally ate more than I should. I also had quite a few interesting phone conversations with my Dad ( this one was hilarious actually.. but to protect him, I will refrain from talking about it here), my Mom (my parents are so good at being funny, they don’t even try most of the time), Sheila, Oscar and of course Beni (another series of random hilarious conversation). So I’m thankful that this weekend was actually pretty nice.

Something special about this weekend …A new addition to my list of “Firsts”. Tonight, the temperature will drop to 0 degrees and later to -1. For most of you, this us not a big deal but for someone who spent the first few years of her life in a desert and the last couple of years in B’bay (which was worse than the desert, temperature-wise) this is huge. Even though, I will be indoors at the time with central heating and all windows closed, this is something special.

I spent tonight, curled up on the couch, nice hot cup of coffee in my hand, watching Desperate housewives and Ocean’s Eleven, thinking of J*^~ *sigh*, wondering if I’ll ever meet Mr. Ocean, generally caught in the feeling of warmth. The only thing missing was J~*^ himself. 🙂