Category: reflections


Silver lining to every cloud. That was fine when I was younger but the older I get, I get the distinct feeling that we were all being duped. Those silver linings are few and far between, instead clouds of all shapes, colours and sizes are the ones that take over. When you get so caught up in hope of that silver lining to your present cloud, you might not notice that giant, dark cloud moving steadily towards you. In the end, the sharp fall from feeling giddy with hope to absolutely miserable makes you wonder why you bothered with the stupid silver dot of a line in the first place.

Lesson learned – The happier you are, the greater the fall, the harder it hurts.

Happy miserable weekend everyone.

-enit

Advertisements

I die, I live, I die.

searching for the right words
failing miserably
Because no matter what you say
Someone always ‘understands’

No. You don’t.
You weren’t there. You can’t feel what I feel
When something irreplaceable is stolen
It tears you apart and leaves you empty

no one understands,
no one really cares.

they plundered, they left
they each took a piece away
now I really have nothing else

There are thousands of stories just like mine
and though they might all sound alike
they’re different
the breaking is different
the dying is different
the pain is different

So, don’t tell me you understand
you don’t
you can’t
you won’t

– I have so many thoughts running through my head all day, every day and I really must pen at least some of them down. Not all since… well that would just not be a very good idea.

– Most of my Christian life was spent trying to be good and along with that came an accusing, judgmental view of everyone who was not ‘right’. Recently, I sat back and thought about how I had judged several people for their lifestyle, their opinions, their choices, class, race, gender, age, sexuality etc etc when really there is no reason for me to judge. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, Who Am I? And who said that I could ever sit back on my high throne and judge the rest of the world like I was made from a different, more superior mud? If anything, I have made far more mistakes and have had several regrets and a staggering number of failures. So, I just wanted to say, that whoever you are, whatever you choose to do with your life is your business. It is between you and God. I have no say in the matter. I choose not to judge you based on my own prejudices and personal system of beliefs and if you still feel like I am tell me. Because I know that the worst moments in my life are not while making the decision or a mistake, its feeling judged after.

– In 2 weeks, I will be on Indian soil and that leaves me, at all times of the day or night, restless and unable to sleep. I dream about it when I am sleeping, I am constantly making lists of things to take with me and then seperate lists of what to bring back. It is driving me insane!! Part of me is afraid that once I am there, everyone will be busy working or studying. Which leaves me at the mercy of my family and while I love them dearly, I really am not ready to discuss the one topic that I know is on their minds. “A suitable boy for me and how to attain him” a.k.a A.S.B.F.M.A.H.T.A.H. I get it… as my family, you are worried for me and you want to see me happy. But give me a chance at discovering myself first. I feel like I don’t know me at all. I am just understanding what sort of person I am.. Just barely. I am not yet completely independent and until I find myself.. I can’t commit to being in something as momentous as marriage. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I always have… But those were silly flighty dreams of a schoolgirl. I don’t know Christine the woman yet.So back off, let me breathe and no one will be hurt.

– I had some store credit from a bad purchase last year and I put it to some good use today. 🙂 I love shopping!

– I really want to paint my toe nails some deep dark color but thinking of spending money that I don’t have on nail paint and other such fancy things  makes me a little sad.

– I spent a considerable amount of time at the bookstore today. So many books that I wanted to read and buy and gift… I want:
Emily Giffin’s books – ‘Love the one you’re with’ and ‘Baby Proof’
‘Twenties Girl’ – Sophie Kinsella
‘Secrets of a Shoe Addict: a novel’ – Harbison Beth
‘Confession of an Ugly Stepsister’ – Gregory Maguire
The Gatecrasher: a novel’ – Madeleine Wickham (Spohie Kinsella)
‘The book of Negroes’ – Lawrence Hill
‘I love you, Beth Cooper’ – Larry Doyle
‘The Other Boleyn Girl’ – Philippa Gregory
I also want to re-read ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife’.. I loved that book.
*sigh* Again, this no money situation really really sucks.

– Back to school in a month and a half. Yay!

– Just a shout out to Niki. She’s got a great blog that I really enjoy reading. I know you will too. This means you Shee. 🙂

– I will home in 2 weeks! Did I say that already? Ah, who cares! Home! To my bed, to my walls, to my cupboard, to my Justin, my ‘rents and my Noah. 😀

Once he was blind…

A blind man sat on the road to Jericho. He sat there, possibly every single day, hoping that someone would throw a few coins his way. That was his life. Everyday was relatively the same. Black. Dark. Devoid of any light or beauty. Until one day, he heard noises… sounds of a crowd. Since he couldn’t see what was happening, you know being blind and all, he asked someone what was going on. “Jesus is passing by”, he was told. He hasn’t been blind since.

That was my version of Luke 18:35-42. There is much to learn about Jesus from this small passage and as Shyju spoke last night at the healing conference, so much became clear but God still had a word for me specifically, my Rhema.

The blind man’s story could have ended a different way. As strange as this sounds, being blind was comfortable for him. He knew the darkness, he lived in it every day and not to mention, his blindness was his source of income. Calling out to Jesus would mean letting go of the familiar. He would be forced to step out into a new, strange and unfamiliar world, find his place among everybody else. Would he be accepted? How would he support himself? Was he really ready for sight? The future somehow didn’t seem promising.

I thought about why God was telling me this– Did I really want to be healed? Because that meant that I wouldn’t be able to blame everything on some disorder or syndrome or whatever you want to call it. It meant that I would have to take responsibility for my actions. It meant walking without crutches.

Even as Jesus asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?”, the decision was still his to make. Did he want to forever be known as ‘the man who stayed blind’ or did he want to be remembered as ‘that guy who used to be blind but now has perfect 20/20 vision thanks to Jesus’? Because healing isn’t really the problem. He’s called the Healer for a reason.

The real question was in my heart.
Bondage or Freedom?

I made the choice.

Questioning

I moved here with dreams and hopes.. not only my own but also those that my family had, my friends had and my church had. And sometimes I sit back and I feel like the past ten months have not brought me anywhere closer to seeing those dreams come true.

that’s when I begin to question.

Before moving here, I questioned everything.. my motives, my reasoning, my desires. I wanted what I thought was God’s plan.

Being in church, I was surrounded by faith. Faith in the impossible. Wanting to make a difference and faith that I could. And here, I still want to make a difference. I just don’t see that faith. I don’t know where its gone.

Going back, unfortunately, wont make anything better. Too much time has gone by and I cannot pretend like nothing’s changed.

So what is God’s plan? Where do I stand with respect to it? Am I still on the path that I should be on?

Or did I lose sight of it all in an attempt to discover myself ?

So…

…I got my work permit and now I need to start looking for a job and all that. All my mother has to say to that is why didn’t I start on things sooner.

Sometimes people just don’t get how scary and overwhelming this whole thing is. I am not used to having to do everything by myself and its a learning process but its really scary sometimes and I wish someone would understand what that means.

I really thought I was ready for everything that moving here would bring, every battle, every problem, every struggle but now that I am here.. I still feel tiny and incapable of doing what I need to do.

All I am asking is that you understand.
Be my friend. Be here. That’s all I want.

Back to what really matters

This weekend has been one of thoughts. Thoughts of life, love, family and God. Sometimes I feel like I’m living life like a child untouched by anything in the world and I think I need to wake up from this fantasy of mine. Wake up and face the world. Coz’ there’s nothing to be afraid of, there’s nothing my God can’t take care of. I may be grown up to the whole world but I’m still his little girl and always will be.

In church today, I realized that most of my Christian life was dependent on another person’s faith… my pastor, my leader, my mom, my closest friend. It was almost never dependent on my relationship with God. I was always afraid to make decisions for my life even after praying. I was constantly waiting for someone else to give me the green signal. But today, when I’m here and all of my crutches are being pulled away and the new ones that I try to make are being crushed to bits before my eyes, I find myself in the place where it all began… the arms of God.

I’m falling on my knees,
Offering all of me,
Jesus, you’re all this heart is living for.

Making sense of it all

My life has been a drag lately. Nothing but assignments and school and sleep. OH and also food. Lots of food. 😀 I feel like I’m here and I’m missing out on everything back home. Like part of me still lives there and wants to experience everything that they are. A conversation that W and I were having a month after I had moved here, he was telling me to let go because I can’t be in two places at once and how I wouldn’t be able to enjoy what I have here if I’m still holding on to what I left behind. But it’s hard. I knew it would be. I never thought it would be easy. Its been tough as hell. But I made it through my first semester here. I made some good friends. I’ve seen the good, the bad and the horribly ugly. I’ve stepped out. Boldly.

and yet…

part of me wants to be back there… where life was so much simpler. Where I knew everyone and they knew me. I think the hardest part about all this is finding yourself in the midst of a new people. I’ve always defined myself by my family, my friends and my church. Now, I see me in a different light. I’m such a child. I thought I was being all grown up and mature. Like getting on a plane and continent hopping was somehow going to miraculously change me…

I have changed but not for the better I’m afraid. Part of me is sad at what I’ve become but it also increases my determination to find myself in God. A need to know who I am.

And I will. By the end of all this, I will know the answer.

My weekend

As the weekend draws closer to an end, I want to sit back and reflect. You may (or may not) know how utterly horrible my last weekend was and I was so scared of something similar happening again that I tried my best to be extra careful. Like all other weekends, I stayed at home for most of it, slept in really really late on Saturday and generally ate more than I should. I also had quite a few interesting phone conversations with my Dad ( this one was hilarious actually.. but to protect him, I will refrain from talking about it here), my Mom (my parents are so good at being funny, they don’t even try most of the time), Sheila, Oscar and of course Beni (another series of random hilarious conversation). So I’m thankful that this weekend was actually pretty nice.

Something special about this weekend …A new addition to my list of “Firsts”. Tonight, the temperature will drop to 0 degrees and later to -1. For most of you, this us not a big deal but for someone who spent the first few years of her life in a desert and the last couple of years in B’bay (which was worse than the desert, temperature-wise) this is huge. Even though, I will be indoors at the time with central heating and all windows closed, this is something special.

I spent tonight, curled up on the couch, nice hot cup of coffee in my hand, watching Desperate housewives and Ocean’s Eleven, thinking of J*^~ *sigh*, wondering if I’ll ever meet Mr. Ocean, generally caught in the feeling of warmth. The only thing missing was J~*^ himself. 🙂

Winter is just around the corner

In 5 weeks, I will *successfully* complete my first semester at George Brown College. In just two months, I have learnt so much, achieved things that I didn’t know I could. The grace of God and the little seed that He put in me amaze me. I know that I carry the potential for change. That something in me can make a difference to a world that is slowly dying. That is my hope.

The completion of my first semester brings me to my problem.
I’m still hoping that God will work a miracle and make it possible for me to spend Christmas at home. I remember a similar prayer when I was 10 for a little sister. That, however, did not work.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe, just maybe.

I was so sure that I would be going home that I didn’t make any other plans for the three week holiday. I didnt want to commit myself to anything in case everything worked out and I found myself on a flight home. So most of my friends are flying home to be in their hometown, some are going up north to the mountains. Some are working. I have none of these to look forward to at present.

I’m trying very hard not to be upset and hold it all in.

VERY very hard.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m going to make it through this holiday.

I’m hoping that someone will adopt the poor little Indian for the holidays. Make it their little Christmas mission. 🙂

I’m a dreamer.