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I wish

I was the girl with the guitar. Play those blues away.

For Joe

  • Life is at its ultimate suckage right now. I’ve concluded that this is because I have failed. I’ve failed at life, at love and everything in between.
  • Mornings are a chore. Waking up to everyone of my insecurities each day, not knowing how to get around them, is exhausting.
  • Every night, I lie in bed, begging for sleep, but feeling so overwhelmed, that it is morning before I actually fall asleep.
  • I intensely dislike myself. I tried… for a long time, to appreciate myself. I tried to find those qualities and skills that others boast of but I couldn’t. I try so hard to blend in, be a different person for different people, just so that I could be someone that everyone liked… I don’t really know who I am anymore. But who or whatever I am, I still dislike myself.
  • You know how you make jokes at my expense? Every time you do, I laugh along with you, but inside I am convinced that the wall that I built around myself, is crumbling and you can see who I really am. And as someone said to me, ‘if I don’t like myself, why will other people like me?’
  • That’s probably why I sabotaged every relationship I’ve ever been in. I dive in without thinking of the repercussions and then when it actually becomes real, I pull away.
  • I haven’t talked to my best friends from school in a week. I don’t know how to be myself with people without having all this pour out of me. I can’t keep dumping my emotional garbage on people.
  • I need to reinvent myself. Be the bitch instead of the pushover. Be that person that doesn’t care what the world thinks of her. Create opportunities. Fight my own battles. Be what I want to be.
  • This post was for Joel because he asked. I only wish it could have been a more cheerful one. I miss you, dude.

Some truth

  • I’ve become so accustomed to taking orders that I am not sure how to be the person on the other side of the cash register. At the mall the other day, after placing my order, I asked the cashier if there was ‘anything else?’.
  • With all the assignments that I have to complete, it is becoming increasingly harder to sleep peacefully at night.
  • Three weeks left for this program to end. I don’t feel like I am ready to say goodbye yet.
  • Why does life become all about the search for ‘the one’? Damn you Disney.
  • Triggers constantly sneak up on me, at the most inconvenient times.
  • You never completely know anyone. That is a good thing sometimes.
  • Music still soothes me. Grateful.

Protected: Some un-therapeutic writing

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-_-

You know that feeling when everything is going to come crashing down on you,
but you don’t really know what to do about it?
Or when you really want to be the best that you can possibly be,
but the shoes you’re trying to fill are just too darn big to begin with?
I feel as lost as I did at the beginning, except now,
my head is stuffed with a lot of information, most of it useful.
I miss that feeling of stability that being in a family provided.
I feel disconnected now. Phone calls are not the thing.
Now I go to sleep at night and I can’t help but wish that when I wake up,
I would be somewhere else.
Nothing makes sense anymore.

Nothing.

There’s a time in your life when you look back at yourself and wonder if that was a different person. I can’t look at letters, pictures, emails without thinking of how stupid I seemed. Stupid and hopeful. For something that was never going to happen anyway. For some strange reason, even though everything in me told me it was never going to be, I still held on, stupid and hopeful.
I make myself sick.

For all the questions…

  • Today, I took the day off, for me, to relax and recuperate. It is a good thing.
    Then why do I feel so terrible?? Why can’t I EVER take a day off from school or work or placement, without feeling so guilty and overwhelmed, even when I am physically sick and mentally exhausted and hot showers, long hours of sleep and good food are just not helping? I will never understand the complexities of my mind.
  • I look at the weeks ahead in hope of working towards that one day where I can come home, go to bed and sleep in the next day. There are no such days in my life. None. So when I don’t reply to emails or call back immediately or reply with enthusiasm to all those text messages, remember that in my 7 day week, I get 0 days off.
  • Do you ever feel like people only want you around when its convenient for them and take you for granted the rest of the time? I am not your emotional doormat. If you’re on an effin’ rollercoaster, don’t drag me along. I’ve got my own stuff to deal with. Just sayin’.
  • Last night, in the laundry room, I saw an ad for a grand piano that someone was selling for $5000. What I would give for that money and the space!  Although if I did have that much money, I would first book me a trip to Bombay and buy a net-book for Justin. (Don’t tell him that, I don’t want to spoil him.) And then I wouldn’t be able to afford the piano anyway…
  • For every time I have wanted to scream because of customers who are just insanely ridiculous, I found this website.. I know now that I am not the only one! Customers are stupid all across the world. http://www.notalwaysright.com
  • And for those days when I don’t feel like I’m fashionable enough *lots of laughter in head*, http://www.poorlydressed.com
  • I saw Valentine’s Day last night.. Now there’s a movie where the number of actors and mini-stories were not proportionate with the length of the movie. I think it could have been done a lot better and that the actors would be able to do justice to their roles. The Taylors are both terrible actors, I really hope they are not looking at acting as a career. At least Swift has her music, maybe Lautner can train young ninjas?
  • Yesterday, I kept running into random strangers who thought they should have some say about what I should do with my life.
    Scene 1: I am with my friend in the supermarket looking for chocolate covered pretzels. I couldn’t find them and so I asked her what she thought was better – Chocolate covered peanuts or chocolate covered almonds? Before she could even answer, a man standing across from us said, ‘Almonds. They’re nutritious. Peanuts are not nuts, they’re vegetables (WTF?)’ I thought that was strange but I thanked him and proceeded to put chocolate almonds into a bag (my friend thought the almonds were better, I was going with her choice.) The man walks over to us and says, ‘What?! Those aren’t almonds! That’s poison!!’
    Um, Who the heck are you?!?
    Scene 2: We’re sitting in the theater watching the previews and the ads, when the woman in front of us turns around and says ‘You’re wearing perfume aren’t you?’ We were a little shocked and didn’t really get a chance to say anything before she continued, ‘ You are. I know you are. I’m going to move.’
    Fine by me. Your stupidity would probably have ruined my movie experience.

  • The snow and the wind look mad today.
    Time to go back to bed.
  • Semester Four (the very last one) of my Assaulted Women and Children’s Counselor Program (Yeah, try fitting that into a decently formatted resume..Or maybe I just suck at formatting.) In any case, mouthful as it is, this course has been amazing so far. Looking back, I can see how far I have come, the journey’s been hard but so worthwhile.
  • Of all my courses, the hardest one that I find this semester is the only online course I have – Children’s Literature. I  thought that being a English Lit student in the past, that this would come easily to me but I have been falling behind and it has me up at nights… no, not actually doing the work for the course but awake worrying that I won’t graduate. I don’t know if they have a name for my level of procrastination. I did manage to get some of the reading for that course done today. Maybe there is still some hope?
  • Every day is a day of discovering something new about myself. And though this can be increasingly overwhelming, I know that it is for the best and that understanding myself is a step in understanding others. I am in the social service field for a reason.
  • So what is it about forgiving that ‘special’ someone that brings up every horrible fight, back- stabbing, name-calling, screaming match that ever took place. Especially the ones that were initiated by this person. Seventy times seven? Feels like a lot more.
  • Heated telephone discussion about traditions in relations to weddings. Maybe everyone else expects to have that dream wedding and have their parents pay for it. That is their issue.. That does not mean that this is what I am going to do.. I have been saying this for a while now and I mean it when I say that if it is my wedding, I am paying for it and if that means that I have to cut down my guest list from 2000 to maybe 50, NOT a problem! I don’t freakin’ care. I don’t have it all figured out but I would like it to be small. Very small. I don’t really want to invite family, you know the ones that haven’t even pretended to care in years. After making this big speech and finally taking a moment to inhale, the response was ‘Don’t tell this to other people, what will they think of you. You going to pay for your own wedding?’
    I have three words for you- Take. A. Hike. (trust me, its a lot better and far more PG rated than what I was thinking)
  • Michael Buble. =) I have heard he can be kind of a douche but I don’t care at this point.. He’s adorable..
    Watch this song and then this SNL sketch.
  • Losing faith in happily-ever-afters.
    Just in time for Valentine’s Day.

    -Enit

I don’t know how to deal with everything that is coming up. Every story is my story. Everything is a trigger and it all leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Because I didn’t get a chance to end it for myself. I wanted justice. I wanted to let them know how it felt to be hurt, what it felt like to be helpless and alone. But its too late now and I all I can do is feel so frustrated and miserable. I feel like its breaking me. I can’t stop it. I need to control it all. I need it all in a box stored away where I can’t reach at it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I don’t want to feel guilty for being alive.

I just want some justice. I want closure. I want it to stop being my fault. I want to stop blaming my parents. I want to stop. just stop.

Does anyone hear me? Can anyone understand?

Who I am

I am the little girl, muddy, dirty and ragged, listening to the sound of the water as I walk along the banks of the river.I walk towards him; I know that He wants to see me. As I get closer I see Him dressed in a robe of pure white.I notice how dirty I am compared to him. I do not stop. I keep walking. I know I need to. Something pulls me forward.When I am but an arm’s length away, He kneels down and waits for me to cross that small distance between us.I watch as he uses his fingers to wipe away the grime and the dirt. He dips his hand into the cool water that runs beside us and gently wipes away at my face. And even though I cannot see it, I know that I am cleaner than when I started out.He gives me clothes to wear, new and clean and just as I think that there can be no more, He hands me a gift.Something, that to my young mind is so fragile that if I let go, even for a moment, I feel like I would never see it again. As I see this object so beautiful and precious, I am compelled to find someone to share it with. I know that I need to share this with others.. I run and find other children like me and show them what I’ve found, not to boast but because I want to share, because I want them to feel the love that I felt. I point Him out and then I can’t help but lead them to him.
And even in a crowd, I know His eyes see my heart, He hears the whispers of my soul
and it is in Him, that I see myself for who I really am.