Category: Church


Questioning

I moved here with dreams and hopes.. not only my own but also those that my family had, my friends had and my church had. And sometimes I sit back and I feel like the past ten months have not brought me anywhere closer to seeing those dreams come true.

that’s when I begin to question.

Before moving here, I questioned everything.. my motives, my reasoning, my desires. I wanted what I thought was God’s plan.

Being in church, I was surrounded by faith. Faith in the impossible. Wanting to make a difference and faith that I could. And here, I still want to make a difference. I just don’t see that faith. I don’t know where its gone.

Going back, unfortunately, wont make anything better. Too much time has gone by and I cannot pretend like nothing’s changed.

So what is God’s plan? Where do I stand with respect to it? Am I still on the path that I should be on?

Or did I lose sight of it all in an attempt to discover myself ?

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Back to what really matters

This weekend has been one of thoughts. Thoughts of life, love, family and God. Sometimes I feel like I’m living life like a child untouched by anything in the world and I think I need to wake up from this fantasy of mine. Wake up and face the world. Coz’ there’s nothing to be afraid of, there’s nothing my God can’t take care of. I may be grown up to the whole world but I’m still his little girl and always will be.

In church today, I realized that most of my Christian life was dependent on another person’s faith… my pastor, my leader, my mom, my closest friend. It was almost never dependent on my relationship with God. I was always afraid to make decisions for my life even after praying. I was constantly waiting for someone else to give me the green signal. But today, when I’m here and all of my crutches are being pulled away and the new ones that I try to make are being crushed to bits before my eyes, I find myself in the place where it all began… the arms of God.

I’m falling on my knees,
Offering all of me,
Jesus, you’re all this heart is living for.

The youth camp is over and we’re all back home.

It was everything I wanted it to be. I wanted this one to be special because I felt like somehow it might be last one in this church… *at least for a while* And leading 170 youth in worship was just so fulfilling. Watching them praise God and worship Him… It was moving for me. I watched them weep, I watched them pray.
I watched and prayed knowing that there is a chance that I might never see this again. My heart was so broken and for the first time I found myself praying for them instead of praying for me.

The worship team did so well. I’m so proud of all of them. They made leading so much more easier for Diana and me. And in Worship was that first explosion from God which lasted for over 2 hours.. I cannot forget what happened at this camp.

Today, at my cell group meeting, all of the people who were at the camp had something to share. One girl said that she actually danced and laughed for the first time in 6 months. Another one said that she felt God loved her for the first time. Someone else shared of the freedom she experienced after giving her life to Jesus. 10 and 11 year olds went home so excited because God had touched them.
Lives changed forever.

History Makers are born. Are you ready for them?

Less than perfect..

The end of April is almost here and like I had hoped my documents for my visa have been submitted. Now, All that’s left is the waiting before I hear from them. I don’t want to be at home for the next weekbecause I’m sure my parents won’t be able to talk about anything else. Thank God for church and responsibilities. If I’m keep myself occupied I wont be thinking about it much. I don’t want to think about it at all..

Our practices for youth camp are getting better. Shannon was sweet enough to help us out yesterday. I took him being the leader for granted.. It is such a difficult job and filling his shoes is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever come across. Four months from now I know I’m going to be grateful for everything that’s happening..But there’s still that nervousness and anxiety..

That’s when you turn to God and to his Grace.. In my weakness, his strength is perfected. I know I am fully able to go up on stage and ruin everything with the slightest amount of pride and self-dependence.
But weakness keeps me running back for more Grace. Grace- Divine Ability..that way, I know and everyone else knows it was God.

For once in my life I’m glad that I’m not perfect. But He is… And that’s all that matters.

Progress

Yesterday was the first meeting of our new “young” worship band. Shannon has dumped given us the entire responsibility of worship at the youth camp. And after the initial worrying and doubting and stress and frustration and praying, we met as a band for the first time yesterday. I have to say I was quite surprised. For people who’ve not really played together (some of us have) we sound really good. We have a lot to work on musically. but there’s no denying that those kids have talent! A lot of talent! And combine that with the anointing.. and BAM!!
The youth camp is going to be so fab!! If you are reading this and you stay nearby.. DO NOT MISS IT!

-very excited me!

AAaaaAAAAaaahhh!!!

I don’t get it. I must be doing something right for all this to be happening. If I only I knew what it was. I’d keep doing it. Still doesn’t change the fact that i’m terrified. This is huge for me.
I struggle with leading worship in a small group of 10 people. God actually showing up during worship never ceases to amaze me. And now… more than 150 people. I’m not scared. I’m completely clueless. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to go back into the reflex mode where I just run away and just not show up.
I also want to do this. I want to do this so bad. Its taken long enough to happen and I know its good coz’ it’ll help me grow and bring me closer to my calling.

Why is this so scary?

I have all these fears and questions in my head. I want to pray but somehow I know God’s not going to send those chariots to rapture me away…

Only one thing to do…  This time I’m depending on him. Completely. Fully dependent on him. I have nothing apart from God. I am nothing apart from God.

There. That should make things easier.

Somehow, God’s sense of humor is not making much sense these days.

Drowning

So I’ve been struggling with these college application for the last two days and since I’ve explained the situation over and over again to different people, I’m not going to start over here. Its so hard to put in your own words why you want to do a particular course. I mean you want to be yourself and yet sound super smart and eventually end up putting a lot on there that you’re not sure you want to say.

There’s so much on my mind right now… like my cupboard. I’m so embarrassed to be saying this.. but its hard to open it coz’ you never know what might fall on top of you. My big challenge these past few days has been making sure my Mom doesn’t get anywhere near it. Think of what could happen:

Mom: Where’s that white Dupatta of mine? It must be in your cupboard.. You’re always stealing my stuff!!!

Me: *From the Kitchen* I’ll get it for you. Let me just get something to eat first.

Mom: Which translates as ‘Wait a week, I’ll courier it to you’. What am I going to do with this girl?? Stop eating so much..You dont even exerci… Aiyoooo, look at the mess in this room..

Me: *halfway thru my first bite of yummy Tuna sandwich* NOooOOOOooooOOooOO maa. wait. I’ll do it.

Mom:OOf! what am I going to do with you??!! I‘m here already. I might as wellAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Help! Help! I’m being attacked by bags!

Me: *to self* and empty boxes of chocolates, jeans that I no longer fit into,t-shirts,books..
Oh look maa, here’s your dupatta. You were right after all!

Mom: *from under a huge pile of stuff* You.. I’ll.. Just wait..
You are irresponsible, you don’t do any work at home. Just sit and get fatter! When you get married your mother-in-law is not going to let you get away with living like this. I’ll get a bad name because of you!!!! and look at all these chocolate wrappers.. no wonder you’re getting rounder!!!! *tries to get off the floor*

Me: *helps her up*

Mom: …and you haven’t found a job yet.. How long should I pay for you. You’re 21!!!!! Do something with your life! Your father has spoiled you. Just wait, I’ll tell him all this.NO MORE CHOCOLATES FOR YOU NOW!!

So, now you know why I have to get my cupboard cleared up ASAP! How can I live without chocolate?!!! Aiyooo! 😛

Moving on to seriouser topics..
This Wednesday, I got a chance to go for house church at Borivali with Eben and Oscar and I realized that I really missed being a part of Shannon’s house church.I miss him and his guitar. I love the way he teaches the Word. He’s so much fun. You just know he has spent a lot of time and effort to prepare the Word. And I have rarely met people who are so theologically sound. Most people just believe whatever they’re told. No searching scripture for the answer. I’m just so grateful to be under his leadership. I started from there.. and I’m here today because he invested so much into my life. *gives Shannon cool pink guitar as token of gratitude*

I have to end this earlier than I thought. There’s some wedding in the building and they’ve asked a band *no not a cool one.. one of those marching bands* and they’re playing extremely loud and annoying songs from Om shanti om which happens to be the stupidest movie of the century!! Even Himmesh’s masterpiece was stupid but slightly believable!!

Happy weekend all!!!

It’s still so difficult to believe that this year is coming to an end. There were a lot of things that went wrong this year and I could go on about it but I’ve learnt the blessing that comes with thanksgiving and the joy that it brings the Father’s heart. My list of reasons to thank will come probably by the end of the year. Still believing for something phenomenal!

I was so blessed at worship practice today. I think of the five years I’ve spent under Shannon’s leadership. We’ve grown up from being a team of people who barely knew how to spell music… to being a family of people who love God and want to see Him glorified. Music is something that flows from a place of knowing him. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have to leave this little family of mine…
Today was so beautiful. As we worshipped we were reminded of the love of God. Love so pure and true. Love that does not demand. Love that never condemns… but always accepts. And then Shannon spoke to us on being like little children. I was sitting there almost jumping out of my seat because he was sharing on the same lines as the post I had put up earlier.
There’s something about children that’s so irresistible. They think from their heart. Not their head. That’s why its easier for them to trust and love. The heart and the head. That’s the difference between a Pharisee and a little child.
Guess who got to heaven! 😀

This will be my last month at my current job. After that, well… not too sure right now. But I’m praying that I would be led to right place and in a job that’s more…um… Me.
This job was fun. I love my colleagues and my managers. There were a few annoying people but then… they’re everywhere. They’re probably taking over the world or something. Lol. But it’s not what I really want to do. Too personal to talk about on a blog.

I’ve been in that weird phase where a lot of couples around me are expecting a baby or are waiting to get married and that sort of sends me into that crazy mood where I’m complaining about the fact that I’m not married yet. Its crazy coz’ the moment Mom even brings up the topic, I run out of the room screaming that I’m staying single till I’m 30. I can’t explain it. Maybe I just enjoy upsetting my mom. What kind of sadist am I?

Countdown…

24 days to Christmas
21 days till I’m unemployed again.
27 days *fingers crossed* till Sheila gets here.

December is here.
 

I’m back

It’s been a while since my last post. Lets see… What has happened?

My mom’s back. The house looks cleaner and smells nicer. All my clothes are washed and ironed. It’s nice to have mom home again. Although it sounds more like she’s a maid. But it’s nice to have someone to talk to about stuff… not that we really talk about me or things that interest me. It’s mostly her calling me fat and me throwing things at her.  😀
But what I’m really happy about is the breakfast I get before I leave for her. I could never wake up early enough to prepare breakfast or pack a lunch which meant that for the most of the last few weeks I have been staying hungry till 2 in the afternoon…the primary reason that my tummy hurts a lot these days.
But that’s why God made mommies… to wake you up with a nice bowl of porridge. *Corn makes you fat. Oats are high in fiber and non-fattening*. She even packs me lunch. Sometimes if I can’t take it with me to the office she actually comes by around lunch time to give me my lunch.
I love moms.

Other than that, today is the first day of the Ram Babu crusades. I am so excited. The next three days are going to be packed to the full. I don’t think I have made enough time in my  schedule to breathe. My main concern is getting to work on Monday morning. It doesn’t seem too likely right now. I pray that this weekend would be more refreshing than tiring.

So since I’m not going to be here for a while… I’ll leave you all with a blog that will keep you busy and entertained till I get back. He’s a software engineer with an awesome sense of humour. Indians are the funniest people I know.

Have a great weekend.
I know I will.

😀

From KSA-4

Its only been four days and I’m already tired. I want to go back to everything God is doing back home.
I cant be around people who think of God as a reason to waste another evening. I look at their lives… amazed that there are people who exist who call on God one minute and the very next talk about how it is impractical to believe what the Bible says.
I’ve had it. I’m frustrated. Don’t care anymore.

Unbelief. How can anyone not believe in the power of God? Especially when you’ve seen the wonders He’s done with your own eyes… Impractical??!!! How in the world can you say that? Who defines normal and practical anyway??!

 

I want to go back in time and meet Elijah or one of the apostles. How did they deal with human beings?

 

I miss being in my own church… where people are appointed as leaders. They dont just assume it and where there arent more than one people “leading” at one time… Argh!!!

 

worn out,
-Enit