An educational and inspiring guide on how to name your kids as if you are a Mallu Christian.

Statutory Warning : If you are not South Indian it might be pointless reading further.

Extra Statutory Warning : If you are a Mallu with the pride of Kerala in your loins, DO NOT read any further. It has been a well kept secret for eons, shrouded in mystery and a maze of deceit, but finally Itty Boben Jacob Elias Kuruvilla from Pazhookaville, near Kottarothumailill, Thelmasherry, Kerala, has consented to let us publish this classified Mallu formula, never put in print before and only passed on from generation to generation by word of mouth to guarantee exclusivity, on the naming of Mallu Christian kids.

Guidelines go as follows :

1. Select a combination of the mother’s and father’s names. eg: Suresh and Gina = Suji or Joseph and Beena = Jobi.
2. The addition of a ‘mon’ (meaning son) or ‘mol’ (meaning daughter) is optional. eg: Sujimol, Jobimon.
3. To attach a modern anglicised feel to the names, the mol or mon can be replaced with boy or girl. eg: Jobiboy, Sushagirl.
4. For the politically correct Keralite family, mol and mon can be replaced by the universal ‘Kutty’ (child), which can be used for both boys and girls eg: Jokutty, Susikutty.
5. Even parents having combination names themselves can still give their children suitable names eg: Libi and Jobi = Lijo.
6. However, in the scenario where the parents already have combination names that cannot form more comprehensible names eg: Itty and Amukutty, would produce only Itam (which doesn’t even sound like a name) or Amit (which is too Northie sounding and stuff!!), then
a) Use an English word like Baby, Merry, Titty, Pearly, Brighty, Smiley, Anarchy, etc.
b) Use a combination of two English names that you think sound cool (but never cool enough) like Meredith + Gina = Megi,
or Sharon + Darlene = Sharlene.

c) Use a name from the Bible [and not Nebuchadnezzar! Use one that even Velliammachi(great grandma) can pronounce] like Jacob, Sam, John,
Joseph, Mathew, or Jijo!

d) Use a name that sounds like a cuss word but isn’t. eg: Boben, Prussy, Shagi, JustinTimberlake etc.
Note: The use of the letter ‘j’ is useful in the naming of siblings where names that sound alike are a novelty. Eg: Ajji, Sajji, Majji, Bhajji and Nimajji, or Sijo, Lijo, Jijo, Anjo, Panjo, Banjo.
Not too complicated really, once you get the hang of it…

An afterthought:
Q: What do you call a Mallu kid who sticks his nose into other people’s business?
A: Pokemon

This was the first post on the GTC blog! i was so laughing so hard that i had to get braces later. (i just had to blame it on you guys)   *evil grin*