Priorities

I should blog.

I should also finish assignments that are due in the very near future.

I think I’ll take a nap.

Update

Today, I was with kids for most of the evening watching them run, jump, laugh, scream and occasionally cry in the Halloween party that we hosted. There’s also the extra fun that a sugar rush( read candy, cookies, cupcakes, pop) brings.
All that happened after that was lots more screaming, running, jumping and crying.
I love being at my placement. =)

Other things I love…Fall!! Everything is so beautiful. Red, Orange and Yellow, the almost nude trees, the little squirrels running about, the wind through my hair. The only problem is that I am never appropriately dressed for the weather. Somedays, I wear too much and its warm outside. other days, I wear less and then its cold. I don’t understand. The weather network is no help

Asides from that… if I don’t look straight at the problem, maybe it will go away.

In memory of…

As we move into winter, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel the excitement and joy that Christmas and the New year usually brings. For the first time, I think of December 6. A day that means nothing to most of the world, and until less than a year ago, it meant nothing to me either.

Being a part of a program that deeply deals with abuse and the effects of abuse, I hear several stories, meet women every day that have in some way been assaulted and often I get so used to hearing these tales that they don’t stand out anymore. But they’re each so different.

So what is December 6 all about?

On December 6, 1989, Marc Lépine entered the L’ École Polytechnique, in Montreal, Quebec, separated the men from the women, declared his hatred for feminists and killed 14 women.

It breaks my heart, that these mothers, daughters, wives, sisters and lovers were killed or raped, destroyed.. before they could live their life. No one deserves that.

Why I’m mad

This video which everyone seems to consider so great that they’re motivated enough to go out and buy the bike.. Don’t they see how freakin wrong this is on every damn level?!?!
A semi-clad woman gets down on her knees (every man’s fantasy, I’m guessing) and then turns into an object between a man’s legs. Is there something that no one else but me sees?!??! How can this be a definition of a good ad?
Its sexist. Its heterosexist. Its sizeist. And it pisses me off.
I am all for appreciating a woman’s beauty, but making an ad like that only enforces that all women have to look a certain way to be accepted as beautiful or sexy. That’s just wrong. Women are not created for the sole pleasure of man.
And playing on a man’s fantasies to sell a bike.. UGH!!!!!!
and we wonder why the average Indian male talks and acts like he owns the women who are a part of his life.

I’ve heard that sex sells, but this is just ridiculous!

A Poem on Male Privilege

A poem for men who don’t understand what we mean when we say they have it.
Privilege is simple:
Going for a pleasant stroll after dark
Not checking the back of your car as you get in, sleeping soundly
Speaking without interruptions, and not remembering dreams of rape
That follow you all day, that woke you crying
And Privilege is
Going to the movies and not seeing yourself terrorized,
Defamed, battered butchered seeing something else
Privilege is
Riding your bicycle across town without being screamed at or
Run off the road, not needing an abortion, taking off your shirt
On a hot day, in a crowd, not wishing you could type better just in case,
Not shaving your legs, having a decent job and expecting to keep it,
Not feeling the boss’s hand up your crotch,
Dozing off on late-night buses,
Privilege is
Being the hero in the TV show not the dumb broad,
Living where your genitals are totemized not denied
Knowing your doctor won’t rape you
Privilege is
Being smiled at all day by nice helpful women,
It is the way you pass judgement on their appearance with magisterial
Authority, the way you face a judge of your own sex in court and are
Over-represented in Congress and are not strip-searched for a traffic
Ticket or used as a dart board by your friendly mechanic,
Privilege is
Seeing your bearded face reflected through the history texts not only of
Your high school days but all your life,
Not being relegated to a paragraph every other chapter, the way you
Occupy entire volumes of poetry and more than your share of the couch,
Unchallenged, it is your mouthing smug, atrocious Insults at women
Who blink and change the subject – politely
Privilege is
How seldom the rapist’s name appears in the papers and the way you
Smirk over your PLAYBOY
It’s simply, really, Privilege
Means someone else’s pain, your wealth is my terror, your uniform
Is a woman raped to death here or in Cambodia or wherever
Wherever your obscene Privilege writes your name in my blood, it’s that simple,
You’ve always had it, that’s why it doesn’t seem to make you sick
At stomach, you have it, we pay for it, now do you understand

D.A. Clarke from Banshee, 1981, reprinted in the Men’s Activist Journal, c/o Jon Cohen, 7474 Washington Ave, St. Louis, MO, 63130, U.S.A (published up to six times a year, full of articles of interest to men who are actively pro-feminist).

Little fears creep up out of the ground

Night time is becoming distinctly difficult. I cannot seem to escape the multitude of thoughts, emotions etc etc floating around in my head. There is so much that I fear about the future, even though I know that trusting God means giving him everything including those insecurities that in comparison to him are not even big enough to be considered specks of dust.

I miss church. I miss everything about it and a part of me wants to make every decision based on how close I can get to my home church and yet…

I know that there is a time and a season. I just don’t know what my time is or what season I’m in right now. The answer is out there… He knows. I know He knows and I know He cares. So shouldn’t that somehow make everything alright and perfect?

I have these big, giant dreams and then I see myself for who I really am and I find that I fall so short of those dreams. Like an ant looking up at a mountain. I wish I could see myself as capable… that I could look at myself and know that I have what it takes.

I need God. Period.

Discovering

I spent almost 40 minutes waiting for a bus on a cold and very wet Friday. It was partly my own fault; sometimes you make decisions that aren’t the best.

The assignments are pouring in and it looks like a stressful semester up ahead but I need it. There are things on my mind that I’d rather not think about and having assignments to worry about, helps a lot.

I am slowly getting used to placement and being around the residents and their children at the house.. there is still a lot more that I would want to do but I really don’t know where to begin and I’m giving myself some time to figure things out.

I miss music in my life. I mean, I still listen to it every single day but there’s a difference between listening and making your own. And I miss that. Being in the middle of it, watching it grow and spread from one person to another bringing life and joy and peace. Its an awesome experience. And I miss it.

I’m discovering new things that I dislike about myself. Its a hard journey, this life.

Staying in bed til the rain clouds have disappeared and I am nothing like the old me.

Filling in the Blanks

All the yelling for an update has brought me back here to this page once again. I did spend an hour last week writing an entire post that disappeared when I tried to publish it, which made me very mad and not motivated to write another one for a while.

But here I am. And this time, nothing better go wrong.

Its been over a month since I’ve blogged and there have been several reasons for that; one of them being my sudden inability to stay up past midnight. (my brother has a strange internet plan, only use-able between 12 am and 8 am) Most nights I was asleep by 10 and waking up at 4 or 5 am and then forcing myself to go back to sleep. Is this a good thing? I don’t know yet. I have managed to push my bedtime to 12 after getting back to TO. Beyond that and I am exhausted. Getting old? Maybe.

The other reason for staying away was my trip itself. It was nothing like I expected and yet in so many ways it was. I was the only one on vacation which meant that I spent a lot of time at home with my mom. (who was psyched that she finally had someone to talk to… she would wake up at 4 am and just start talking to me while I was asleep, until I was forced to wake up) All that free time got me thinking about my life and where I’m at and I thought it was a little too personal to share on a blog. I didn’t get a chance to do everything that I would’ve liked. I thought we could make a trip as a family across the Worli Sea Link or drive up to town but again, we don’t do any family trips unless there are other family members or family friends willing to spend that time with us. Can’t break old habits I guess. I did get to hang out with some of my friends from college, two of them to be exact, which was fun and total girl time which I LOVED! Talking about psychology, love, the crazies in our lives, reminiscing about the past and pondering over the future. I didn’t get as much time as I’d have liked with the Borivali bunch and although we did spend much of the little time we had watching Youtube videos, I still had some great homemade vegetarian pizza, a good time laughing and recounting inappropriate stories. Sheila and Oscar were the only two people that I met often, (Oscar works in Andheri and Sheila is not working or studying full time at present) and it was great, we talked and laughed and ate and questioned Oscar on certain very important decisions in his life. Sheila and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary and strange as that may sound, I do not have any other friends that I have known that long AND am that close to, so all this time with her was sweet.

My favorite part of this trip was Church. I only had about three Sundays and I tried to take in everything that was happening. I was fascinated at the growth and the passion in the new members. God was really moving and working in the lives of these people and although it made me sadder as the weeks to my departure grew closer, I was so blessed to have another opportunity to witness the amazing power of God.

My flight back was very… different. Our car was hit by a truck on my way to the airport and there were some other incidents at the airport that I would rather not think about but on my flight to Toronto from Zurich, my seat was taken by an older gentlemen and instead of asking him to move, they gave me his seat, which found me next to the same person who was sitting next to me on my B’bay to Zurich flight. We didn’t speak to each other throughout the flight and about an hour before we landed in Toronto, we got to talking and I found out that he had been working for a year with an NGO in India that I had wanted to be a part of for ages. Its called the International Justice Mission (I know it sounds like a cool name for a bunch of superheroes) and they work in rescuing minors and women who have been forced into prostitution by joining forces with the judicial forces in various cities and further assisting in their rehabilitation once they have been rescued. He also told me that they are always looking for counselors which almost made me jump up from my chair and dance around the airplane.. but don’t worry, I stopped myself in time. But omg!! If that other guy hadn’t been sitting in my seat then this would’ve never happened. I have some hope of going back to India and working there as I have always dreamed. I still don’t know the whens or the hows or wheres but that’s alright. It’ll all come together in the end. It always does.

And I’m back at school.. it’s been two weeks and I have missed learning about women and oppression and doing an intersectional analysis of everything in my life. Some of my courses this year promise to be difficult and interesting at the same time. Working with the survivors of Sexual Violence, I think will be one of my favorite classes this semester and it will be require that I put aside my own thoughts and feelings related to this topic and hard as that might be, I know that it will be worth it in the end.

Seeing my friends and classmates after 5 months was incredible. Its great to know that you can just pick up where you left off with some people and there’s no stress or drama in these relationships. Such a relief. And then there are others. But that’s a rant for another day.

I’m reading again, 3 books at a time actually – The book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill, Lucky by Alice Sebold and City of Glass, the final book in a trilogy by Cassandra Clare (Vampires and werewolves constitute as light reading after the other two)

Grey’s Anatomy season premiere is in 3 days and I cannot wait. Not having a TV sucks but I will stay offline and away from the phone until Friday when I can watch it online. I will survive.

That has been my last month. Maybe I should do one post a month.

taking it one day at a time,
Enit

Part 1 of trip

I am sleep deprived and in Zurich airport. This has to be the emptiest airport I have ever seen. There is no one around me excpet for a woman selling swiss chocolate. I might go check that out in a while. Or not. Carrying around a heavy backpack is not as fun as I imagined.

My flight here was ok. Air Canada is not as bad as some people told me it would be. The seats were ok, the food was fine. (although they did serve only a muffin and coffee for breakfast, which was at 12 midnight, canadian time) the movies were pretty ok too.

I got an aisle seat in the middle row so I couldn’t really see much out of the window and anyway, I kept glancing over so often that the guy sitting there probably thought I was checking him out. But the view from my seat of Zurich as the flight was descending was very beautiful. Very green and golf-course like.

They had a couple of episodes from the Office which I watched. I also watched My Life in Ruins starring the lovely greek woman from My Big Fat Greek Wedding but this movie was just ok. Nothing great. Then, I found X-Men Origins:Wolverine and OMG! Hugh Jackman.. Spectacular! Wow. Just amazing!!! I loved it! I wanna go back and watch all the X-men movies.. what a sad ending. :’( and Ryan Reynolds was in it too.. *sigh* I heart him.. (I wish he had a longer role though)

The woman who sat next to me watched no movies. She only looked at the map of the flight and flight information. She seemed nice enough but four hours into the flight and there it was… horrible bad breath. She wasn’t talking to me but she would.. I don’t know.. breathe and then I could smell it. Oh goodness. terrible terrible. I hope I don’t have to go through that again. I thought of offering her some gum or toothpaste but I thought that would be very impolite.
There are several magazines next to but they’re all in the.. uh… language of Switzerland. Not very helpful. I guess I’ll just go back to reading Breaking Dawn.

Oh look, there are people now. brown people too! Who would’ve thought.
Next flight in 70 mins.

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I’ve been blogging for over 3 years.