Nearing the end of June

Looking for some kind of happy.
There has to be a rainbow somewhere no?

Questioning

I moved here with dreams and hopes.. not only my own but also those that my family had, my friends had and my church had. And sometimes I sit back and I feel like the past ten months have not brought me anywhere closer to seeing those dreams come true.

that’s when I begin to question.

Before moving here, I questioned everything.. my motives, my reasoning, my desires. I wanted what I thought was God’s plan.

Being in church, I was surrounded by faith. Faith in the impossible. Wanting to make a difference and faith that I could. And here, I still want to make a difference. I just don’t see that faith. I don’t know where its gone.

Going back, unfortunately, wont make anything better. Too much time has gone by and I cannot pretend like nothing’s changed.

So what is God’s plan? Where do I stand with respect to it? Am I still on the path that I should be on?

Or did I lose sight of it all in an attempt to discover myself ?

When you can no longer find it, that’s when you realize how important it really was.

what i feel

just posted about three new posts (excluding this one)

just finding myself being taken to new places through music… Have you ever thought of music as wind.. that’s what it feels like right now.. wind blowing… taking me away.. I feel like a leaf.. blown in the wind.

Winter Song- Ingrid Michaelson

so what if its Spring.
Its still feels like Winter in my heart.

I think I’ll dedicate this song to Sheila.
The actual video is really cute. You should youtube it. For some reason it wouldn’t play when i tried to put it into the post.

My lazy day

I have so many books to read.. I dont know why I sit online all day.

My list-
Eclipse- Book 3 in the Twilight series
City of Ashes- Book 2 in the The Mortal instruments series
My sister’s Keeper- Jodi Picoult
My sister from the Black Lagoon- Laurie Fox ( I started this but I didn’t really like it)
Six reasons to stay a virgin- Louise Harwood
Oyster catchers – Susan Fletcher
Rachel’s holiday- Marian Keyes

I am reading A fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry right now. If you havent read it yet… GO now!!  NOW!

Beni will be back next week which is a relief. lol.. She might befrom another planet but she’s kind and lovely and wonderful and all that.

Today I spent in my room, either online or on my bed.. I was looking through old birthday cards, letters, diary entries. Just so grateful for those people and those times in my life. I still sit back and think about whether this is what I really wanted. I mean I could have just stayed back and spent time with those people..

…but then I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself.

Moving was a good thing but sometimes…

…all I can do is keep breathing

wings no more

You gave me wings
that I might fly
You put my dreams
up in the sky
and when you left
walked out the door
there I was with
wings no more

you were my mornings
You were my beautiful light
and then you disappeared
Into the darkest night

You left
turned your back and shut the door
You left
now dont come crawling back for more

You left
you took everything I had

now here I am
with scattered dreams
and wings no more

My June update

- Done with placement but I’ll still be volunteering occasionally.. just coz’ I enjoy being there so much.
- Still looking for a job
- Looking forward to furniture shopping, packing and decorating
- Discovering new things about myself.. strengths that I never knew I had and weaknesses that I never thought I’d have
- Still waiting for what the locals call ’summer’
- Miss the sights, sounds and smells of home. All I really want right now is some rice, dal and chicken curry.
- Still hoping to go home in August. Please Jesus!

Peace,
eniT