So I’m sitting here.. watching the snow fall outside my window. It’s a beautiful scene if only I didnt have to walk out into the middle of it in about an hour.. *sigh* The life of a student.
If I don’t blog by tomorrow.. send a team out to look for me..!
Such an original title… 
There was a before.
When life was full of people, activities, music, family, phone calls
and then there was an after
Time alone, coming to terms with silence, fighting to make the right choices.
I dont know how I did it. I dont understand what went through my mind. What would have happened if I had just stayed back.
I look back at diary entries over the years and I see that what was once a dream is now reality but did I really want this.
I’m not having second thoughts… because frankly I haven’t let myself think about it. I’m just living. Merely existing.
What do I want? I don’t think I know anymore.
This weekend has been one of thoughts. Thoughts of life, love, family and God. Sometimes I feel like I’m living life like a child untouched by anything in the world and I think I need to wake up from this fantasy of mine. Wake up and face the world. Coz’ there’s nothing to be afraid of, there’s nothing my God can’t take care of. I may be grown up to the whole world but I’m still his little girl and always will be.
In church today, I realized that most of my Christian life was dependent on another person’s faith… my pastor, my leader, my mom, my closest friend. It was almost never dependent on my relationship with God. I was always afraid to make decisions for my life even after praying. I was constantly waiting for someone else to give me the green signal. But today, when I’m here and all of my crutches are being pulled away and the new ones that I try to make are being crushed to bits before my eyes, I find myself in the place where it all began… the arms of God.
I’m falling on my knees,
Offering all of me,
Jesus, you’re all this heart is living for.
I’ve been reading through old blog posts. Does anyone remember how long we’ve been blogging?? It just seems so long doesn’t it?
So, I’m at school, wasting time and I decided to do something constructive.
I just convinced a friend to start blogging.
I’m proud of me. WordPress should send me a thank you card or something.
I honestly don’t have anything to write about. Sometimes I find that my life can be pretty mundane. I never thought it was possible. Lol.
The End.
p.s- I think I was trying to make a point.. I BLOG REGULARLY!
I’m reading these days which is good, takes me away from Tv and movies. There has to be something more.
I’ve been reading one of the sequels to ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’ and in some scary way, I understand her. Earlier, I thought she was really stupid the way she spent her money but now I can relate to her a little bit and I’ve noticed that I spend a lot of money too..
Am I a shopaholic??
I’ll have to wait til the movie comes out to find out! Lol…
So anyway, I’m reading on the streetcar and this woman right behind me is talking so fricking loud! OMG!!! I wanted to get up and throw her cell phone out the window. I know so much about her life right now. ugh.
For some reason I suddenly go into one of these sour moods. I don’t snap at anyone but I’m just upset and I really don’t have a reason… Weird.
So Slumdog Millionaire.. what’s it all about?? Everyone’s talking about it. must have a look.
There. I posted. I’m so proud of me.
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
and the dreams that you dream of…
dreams really do come true.
I dont know what my dreams are anymore, I’ve lost sight of the rainbow and I really gave up on ever being able to tell birds apart.
But little things here and there catch my attention and I feel like maybe all is not lost. There’s still a rainbow around the corner and dreams really could come true.
God isn’t finished yet. Amen?
I abandoned my blog for more than a month. It must think I hate it.
Its not like I didnt have anything to write about. There’s loads of topics that I can rattle on about… my trip home, the cold cold weather, school, the new year. So much…. and yet, there’s so much that I want to keep to myself. I think after maintaining this blog for the relatively short time that I have, I feel the need not to talk about myself as much. I used to look at this space as a place where I chronicled my journeys, ranted, raved etc etc. but now it feels like its gotten a little too public for myliking. I dont know who might be reading and what they understand from what they read and how that would affect their perception of me. People Pleaser? Yepp, that’s me.
Anyway, I had a great three weeks in India. It was a good time with family and friends but most of all- church. I missed being in church, worshipping, praying and serving in whatever way I could. It felt a little odd because everyone has a vision, a mission and as much as I tried I couldnt really connect because I had been away for so long. I know that everyone tried their best to make me feel like a part of it all but there was still that feeling of being a square peg in a round hole. I tried to shake it off as much as I could and by the time I started to feel connected again, it was time to leave. Maybe its just me.
Coming back to Canada was weird. I thought I wouldnt be able to adjust but surprisingly I did. It felt good to be back in school, here in this house, in my little room. My friends were happy to see me and they wanted to hear all about India and I honestly did not know how to describe it. Eventually my answer to the question- ‘how was India?’ was ‘Hot’.
Now that I think about it… when I was in India and people asked me the same question about Canada, I always answered saying ‘Cold’. Lol.
Which reminds me, I never thought that anything could survive at temperatures below -10 degrees.
I was wrong.
For the past few days, on average, it has been -30 degrees Celsius, the coldest weather that Toronto has seen in 10 years and surprisingly, I have managed to stay alive. I think its quite an achievement.
I will make an effort to blog as often as I can. If only to let you know that I’m still alive.
I’m a survivor.
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