blogging=ranting

I know. its been forever. I don’t even remember what I last blogged about. Its not that I don’t have anything to write about.I have a lot… too much actually. Maybe thats the problem.
There is so much to write about.. too much of it inappropriate. Its taken a while but I’ve concluded that a blog is not the same as a journal or a personal diary. Which means I can’t write exactly what i think.Too controversial.
People know too much of me already. Or atleast they think they do.Then they think they know exactly what I think and how I’ll respond in situations etc etc.
I admit I have no deep dark secrets and I am pretty predictable.  I’ve always considered myself an open book. If I really like you I’ll tell you everything about me. I

right now.. That sucks. I seem so dull and predictable. I want to focus on being a little mysterious. I want to be something I’m not. Someone different. I’m looking at Toronto as a place where I can be that new person. Where I don’t always have to be bubbly or annoying or loud. I could focus on being quiet for a change. Just to see what that’s like.

I have one month left in B’bay and its heart-breaking really. There are times when I sit back and I’m wondering why I’m going in the first place. I don’t have my life all figured out. Heck, I haven’t even decided what I’m doing tomorrow.So many decisions. So many goodbyes left. I dont know how I’m going to do this. I really have no idea.

I’ll focus on taking it one tiny step at a time.

To all those reading this.. be supportive. Don’t ask me why I’m leaving and why I have to go. Just give me a hug and tell me you’ll miss me. It’ll make things so much easier.

before the thread snaps

I’m at a place where I don’t understand what I’m doing or why i’m doing the things that i do. I feel stuck.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out. I had it all planned out. I had made decisions but i fell.
Fell hard.

I feel like someone opened the wrong door and I have been given a month to live and instead of living it up to the fullest, I’m doing everything I shouldn’t be.

I’ve lost sight of my vision. and without that… I have nothing to live for.
Life has become mere existence.

*gloop*

I am so bored.. I cant even blog.. I’m just too lazy to write about anything.. not like there’s anything happening anyway. My family isn’t back yet so Im still at home alone. It was fun for a while… until it strikes you that you are the only one who doesnt have a job or lectures to attend. That means you will be sleeping all morning and staying up all night and still have no one to talk to coz’ everyone else is tired or finishing assignments or asleep. Just me and the internet. Not fun for 10 days in a row.

Food is a real problem because I have realized that I cannot cook to save my life. I think I’ll stick to making cold breakfast cereal and dialing the nearest pizza place. But after a while when you have no money left and no cereal either… then what??! Gina has promised to teach me how to cook. I could try learning from mom but that would end up in one of us killing the other at the end of it.

I wish I could take Gina to Can with me. Life would be so much easier for me.

Tomorrow Ashwini’s taking me with her to some of the projects her organisation works with. First we’ll be visiting a center that works with children of CSWs (Commercial Sex Workers) and then later we’ll be going to a rehab centre for CSWs. That is the plan I think. I’ll write more when i get back.I’m sure it’ll be an experience that I will learn a lot from.

I wanna watch a movie.
I also want a job.

Now would be a good time to go to sleep.

p.s- The title will not make sense. if it does.. Hmm.. There is something really wrong with you.

-Enit