I’ve always bothered about what people think of me. *Not when I’m doing strange things like singing loudly in the train* but I could live my whole based on who people told me I was.
I was a hypocrite.

But I want this blog to be a place where I can really be me. Just come out with my problems, my feelings, my crazy life.

Right now, I feel kinda dead.

I cant deal with everything anymore.
I feel like I have to grow up. Like I’m being forced to.

Feel like life is slipping thru my fingers.

Stepping out into the real world teaches you a few things. You cant always screw up and expect to be forgiven. The world forgives nothing.
People arent always nice. They may be nice to your face.. but they’re waiting for a chance to stab you in the back.
Friends can let you down. but they expect it to be forgiven and forgotten. I guess its ok coz’ you expect it too..

Last night I couldnt sleep coz’ i felt lonely.. I’ve been feeling really lonely for the past few weeks. Strange when you’re surrounded by people all the time.
I had to beg my friends to spend some time with me on saturday night. Its not that they didnt want to. I know how much we miss each other.. but life’s just taken everyone seperate ways. Something that came naturally to us earlier, takes so much effort now.

Tuesday night was the big showdown at home. Mom somehow got it into her head that I was getting old and I had to start thinking of marriage. Anyone who knows me even a little bit will know that marriage has something I’ve been thinking of for atleast 12 years. But for Mom to suddenly say it out loud along with the whole ‘You have to marry someone we choose’ it scared me and so I did the most natural thing.
I rebelled.
I yelled back saying I wasn’t going to get married until I was 30. Which freaked Mom out. She complained to my cousin.. who came up with the 5th commandment ‘Honor the father and mother’
Let me make something clear.. as much as I want to get married I dont want the world telling me when they think I should get married. Im 20! as if I wasnt feeling old enough already! I can barely fend for myself.. how will I start a family??

For now, all I want is to take life one step at a time.
With all this pressure, I feel like I’m in a maze and I cant find my way out.

I wonder what God’s thinking at times like this..

I know he’s watching and thats enough for me.

I’m going back to take another shot at life.
I have a little too much faith in my God to give up.
He’s watching.
He knows how its going to end.

I’m going back.. to pick up the pieces.