Picking up the pieces

I’ve always bothered about what people think of me. *Not when I’m doing strange things like singing loudly in the train* but I could live my whole based on who people told me I was.
I was a hypocrite.

But I want this blog to be a place where I can really be me. Just come out with my problems, my feelings, my crazy life.

Right now, I feel kinda dead.

I cant deal with everything anymore.
I feel like I have to grow up. Like I’m being forced to.

Feel like life is slipping thru my fingers.

Stepping out into the real world teaches you a few things. You cant always screw up and expect to be forgiven. The world forgives nothing.
People arent always nice. They may be nice to your face.. but they’re waiting for a chance to stab you in the back.
Friends can let you down. but they expect it to be forgiven and forgotten. I guess its ok coz’ you expect it too..

Last night I couldnt sleep coz’ i felt lonely.. I’ve been feeling really lonely for the past few weeks. Strange when you’re surrounded by people all the time.
I had to beg my friends to spend some time with me on saturday night. Its not that they didnt want to. I know how much we miss each other.. but life’s just taken everyone seperate ways. Something that came naturally to us earlier, takes so much effort now.

Tuesday night was the big showdown at home. Mom somehow got it into her head that I was getting old and I had to start thinking of marriage. Anyone who knows me even a little bit will know that marriage has something I’ve been thinking of for atleast 12 years. But for Mom to suddenly say it out loud along with the whole ‘You have to marry someone we choose’ it scared me and so I did the most natural thing.
I rebelled.
I yelled back saying I wasn’t going to get married until I was 30. Which freaked Mom out. She complained to my cousin.. who came up with the 5th commandment ‘Honor the father and mother’
Let me make something clear.. as much as I want to get married I dont want the world telling me when they think I should get married. Im 20! as if I wasnt feeling old enough already! I can barely fend for myself.. how will I start a family??

For now, all I want is to take life one step at a time.
With all this pressure, I feel like I’m in a maze and I cant find my way out.

I wonder what God’s thinking at times like this..

I know he’s watching and thats enough for me.

I’m going back to take another shot at life.
I have a little too much faith in my God to give up.
He’s watching.
He knows how its going to end.

I’m going back.. to pick up the pieces.

struggling

I’m alive.

I just had to remind myself.. its easy to forget sometimes. 

is this what a job does to you?
I drag myself out of bed each morning only to find myself thinking of when i can run back to it..
is this going to be my life forever? 
I knew I wasnt cut out for a 9-5…

Its actually not all that bad. it just gets tiring sometimes. but I’m really enjoying myself.. I love the people I work with.. most of them atleast. they’re fun and funny. hehehehh

But i miss being able to hang out with my friends. Its been so long. I dont really know whats happening in their lives. Everything’s so different now. Everyone’s so different now..
I miss paras the most.. Coz’ for everyone else i can just pick up the phone and have a random conversation..But with paras, you cant just talk to him on the phone or meet him online.. You have to meet him in person. even if its only for like 5 mins…
I miss you Paresh

In other news, I got my ielts score.. 8.5!!!! wooohoooooo!!!

I am so happy! Dad was so excited.. I dont think he slept properly for two nights.
My cousin was so happy for me that she said we should celebrate by going out for an early morning jog! *rolls eyes* I got out of that one real quick.. hehehehehh

Ceto says my writing is manic depressive. All who agree with him, stand on your head.
Aha! i knew it. NO ONE agrees with you ceto..
as punishment, you have been demoted from butterfly to pigeon. I shall only refer to you as Pigeon.

There.. another post that is so me!
-Enit

When are we going to watch Ratatouille???? I even learnt to spell it!

Whats the point of titles anyway??!

Justin went for his first interview today. There was a test in college and he was one among all the people selected for the interview. He got his resume, cut his “long” hair and went (tie et al) all the way to Dockyard on a public holiday.
And when he got there??
They took all the candidates into a large hall and explained a 14 month computer course they taught that only cost 43,000 bucks.. Which would guarantee them a job..

How sick! I know this company- CMS. I can see them from my office window!

What made Justin really mad was that He had to cut his hair.. it took him like 5 months to get it to that length.

So if they come to your college and say something about interviews and job openings..
DO NOT GO! its a scam.. just like health insurance in the US! hehehe… Sorry Sheils.. I had to pull that one.

I miss being at home with no work to do. I’m not saying I don’t like my job. I do.. But i miss the luxury of waking up when I choose, of reading a book when I feel like it, of taking a long  post-lunch nap, snacking between meals etc etc.
I’m also scared of the maid who cleans the office.. God save me if the cleaning liquid is over.. She grumbles about it for a day or two and then after that on the third day, she gives me a look. THE look. *brrrr*
And She comes and complains to me about the gent’s toilet and how dirty it is.. What in the world does she think I can do? Maybe I can move my desk closer to the toilets and note down who goes in, how long they take, did I hear them flush…
Sheesh.

but otherwise, I’m having fun.. you know how you think that a job’ going to make a little bit more mature.. Nahhh..
I’m still the same person I am at college.. Ok, maybe I don’t sing and dance as much.. but I do enough. I do miss the bank holidays though.. like today.. when everyone else was at home.. sleeping..

I was at work.

working. *what a surprise, huh?*

*sigh*

I never stopped to think how much my parents must have hated it.. I got so mad at my mom when she quit working at the clinic.. She wanted to spend some time at home with her family.

I took it as – Argh!!! She’s invading my life!

Moms and daughters.. has to be the most complicated relationship on earth. We cant do without them and when they’re around.. we want them to leave us alone..
*i can almost see Sheila nodding her head*

I guess that should do for now.. I have to get to work tomorrow.
*sigh*

15th of August,2007

The post before this was supposed to be private. I wrote it and then i posted it as a pvt post and then for some reason my net went off and I couldnt check until today.
But thankyou for all the messages.. I dont think about it most of the time but there are times when I do and then I get upset… oh well…

Anyway, I have had an amazing day. We were at Khandala for our annual youth camp… and what a blast!! The place was so beautiful.. It was raining all day, so it was nice and chill. We had a great time learning God’s word and dealing with the different areas in our life where we were struggling.

God is so good. We spend so much time running away from him but He still waits and he doesnt get tired or irritated. And when we get back he’s still there waiting for us.

Pastor anointed us with oil and he managed to pour some of it into my eyes and on my glasses… so now I cant really see what Im doing.

My IELTS exam was great! I loved it.. especially the speaking part. I blabbered on and on and on… It was almost like I knew the examiner for years. and I did get to the service on time.. well, towards the end of praise and worship…

I want to go to Goa.

I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I’m really really tired. *sigh*
I miss being in college… when I could bunk when I wanted to. Go when I wanted to.. Such freedom.

Ironically, today we celebrate 60 years of freedom.

happy independence day!!

-Enit

Today… and a couple of other days.

Today is the day of the great IELTS exam.

I’m not all that nervous. I’m glad i spoke to Julie about her exam. She said I’d have fun giving it.  What a great thing to say before an exam. No one has even said that to me. It makes things a lot easier. But the fact that this is NOT a college exam and you cannot get away with being 10 mins late or sneaking your cell fones into the examination hall.. makes it a little scary.

I have to be at the World Trade Centre at Cuffe Parade before 12. *I know.. i know.. Bombay has such cool names.. Cuffe parade.. *

I asked oscar to wait for me and meet me after the exam is over *he is only two stations away* but he refused. he didnt even refuse politely. he just said NO. Sheesh.. Guess who’s not invited to my wedding!

my speaking test will be tomorrow morning. That means I’ll miss the service. I’m hoping I can rush back for the Word. *prays*

Sheila’s gone. I didnt get a chance to see her at the airport. I couldnt help it. Noah’s second bday comes only once a lifetime.. and with almost the whole family down in M’bai.. I had to be there.

*hugs sheila*

Sheila, yusuf, justin and Me did have one last dinner together. Aromas of China. beautiful… yusuf even tried to teach us to eat with chopsticks! i think i got it. But sheila has a lot to learn.  Took a lot of weird photographs. Tried to make complete fools of ourselves.
Made sure I didnt cry. I thought I would in the car.. That was the last hug.. last hugs are always emotional. But we are strong arent we, sheils??
Now that I think about it.. Sheila and I have had such a crazy relationship.. We can go from not meeting each other for a year to meeting every single day. and even when we didnt speak for a couple of years… *sheila was training to be a “super cool” BuMM* when we finally did meet.. Nothing had changed. It was always the same. I think we both know that we understand each other at a different level.. There are times when I cant understand her at all *and vice versa*..
So, these next 6 months without her will be weird… I dont know any other girl I enjoy spending time with.. *Girls are usually mean.. hmm…. I think I’ll have to settle for Oscar*
But I know that even if we dont meet for the next 5 years.. We’ll still be the same friends we always were. I’m glad some things never change.

Off for my exam,
Enit

A very long post

Its been so long since I’ve blogged that I’ve almost forgotten how! There is a lot to talk about… don’t really know where to begin.

My job is good… Still getting used to it… Made a lot of mistakes. Haven’t sent the company into loss or anything though!
I was just starting to get used to traveling and working at b’vali… I even bought a first class pass, started going to the house church at b’vali because I couldn’t make it in time for my house church at andheri. Thursday night, I’m informed that I’ve been transferred to the andheri branch… I was happy… coz’ that meant that I could sleep for longer… And I’d have a better timing, 8-5. But I couldn’t help thinking about my 2 day old train pass. *sigh*

Oh well, Andheri’s a much better place to work. I like my co-workers. Pretty nice people… Most of them are mallus or can understand Malayalam. Very very important. I’ve been transferred at a very good time. Tuesday is my manager’s birthday, so I’m just in time for her party! good food!! Mmmm…

The funniest thing, My manager, Juby is actually good friends with my cousin’s wife’s… i.e Julie’s family. The families are so close that Juby’s older sister was named after my cousin (in-law) Julie! What a really small world!!!

Julie, Robin (my cousin) and their daughter Natalie are here from the UK on vacation. So great to see them again. Natalie’s blossomed into this beautiful 7 year old… I have to mention that because I don’t really know too many beautiful 7 year olds… They look kinda weird to me… I was a weird looking 7 year old… with my huge glasses and strange mallu clothes! Anyway, Julie’s not gained even an ounce of weight. She looks so great…. I’m proud of her but also upset that I cant control myself the way she does. Natalie has the sweetest little accent… I did tease her about it and she did get a little offended. J I wonder if she knows what offended means.

Dad’s short holiday is over. He leaves tonight… I really don’t know what to say bout his time here. We spent a lot of time arguing. He thinks I’m rude. I think he’s old-fashioned. Its not that I don’t love him. I do. Both of us don’t know how to express that. I don’t remember the last time we sat down and talked about life. I wish I could tell him everything about me… but somewhere I don’t think he’d understand. I’d probably just end up hurting him more. We’ve just been away from each other for too long and I don’t know how to bridge the gap. We’re both guilty about it. I wish I knew what I could do.
I miss being a little girl. When you could just be yourself, do what makes each other happy. Play, laugh, cry. Why does all that change once you grow older? People always say that father’s are closest to their daughters. I wish it was true for me.

My IELTS exam is on Sat and the speaking test is on Sunday..Which means that I’m going to miss the service on Sunday . L I hope I do well.. I know its just an English exam but any kind of test scares me. Even when I have to audition for a choir and I know that whether you can sing or not, they will choose you, I’m still sitting there tensed. Lets see how this one goes.

Today is Friendship Day. I don’t really know the significance of it. especially in college. You’re with your friends every single day. I think they know by now that you like being with them.
At church, we decided it would be a good time to bring our friends to church and introduce them to Jesus. I didn’t get a chance to invite anyone… mostly because I’m tired of the excuses people give. That’s my excuse. That’s a totally different topic all together. I will not elaborate on that here.
Pranati invited xerksis… we were in the same class for a year when I was doing my BSc. We sort of lost touch when I shifted to BA. But I met him before the service and he was the same guy I knew in college. Even after four years.

At least that’s what I thought. I could not have been… uh… wronger?! Lol
There he was standing with his hands lifted up. Worshipping. Praying. Talking to God. I still can’t believe it. I ran to meet him after the service. He told me that God’s been trying to get his attention for over a year and he promised to keep coming to church. *yay* I still have a lot to learn bout what he’s been up to.
Meeting old friends… On ‘friendship day’. Haha.

Pastor Dwayne Weehunt was sharing this morning on the friendship of God. God is so faithful. He actually listens to those small, seemingly insignificant prayers that you make. He’s concerned about the little things in your life. Not just the life and death situations.
While he was talking about the love of God that led him to sacrifice Jesus for us… he picked up this scripture.
Rom. 5:6-8
6-When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.
7-Now, no one is likely to die for a good person, though someone might be willing to die for someone who is especially good.
8-But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

Pastor was talking about how even though we didn’t deserve it Jesus died for us. An unworthy, wicked, ungrateful bunch of people. Most of the time, I find myself taking the cross for granted… Like it was his responsibility to die it for us. Like he had no choice.
But he did. He chose me.  He chose you. He chose the cross.
And just for that, he deserves all that I am. All that I have.
Coz’ anything less than that would fall short.

Speaking of old friends… Sheila’s leaving for the US on Wednesday. I won’t see her for 6 whole months. She’ll come back a pilot without a weird accent… If you do, I’ll smack you hard on the head and send you back. We’ve known each other for almost 8 years. My oldest friend in M’bai. I’ll miss her. We understand each other. Most of the time we don’t even have to speak. We know what we mean.
I’ll miss you Sheila . I’ll miss our pointless conversations. I’ll miss brainstorming to solve our never-ending problems. I’ll miss our sleepovers. They have to be the greatest in the world! I’ll think of you every time I play Scotland yard
Don’t cry… I’ll see you soon. Actually, cry a little bit… it’ll make me feel important.  
Get me stuff. And don’t forget to send me a birthday gift.

I hope this long post will do for now.

Until I blog again,

Enit

Why I dont blog

Contrary to popular belief.. I’m not dead… not swept away by the rain.. not even drowned in a mountain of work.

I admit.. I’ve been lazy.

Its hard work.

you have to switch on the computer,

then wait for everything to load

then log onto the net

then open up a couple of sites

wait for them to load

keep waiting

 make a snack

come back 

keep waiting

all this is hard work.. especially the waiting part.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m anything but patient.
 
but I will blog soon.. I have to!
How else will I complain?!!

Glad to know that you guys miss me..