Tagged!

I was tagged by Aridhi.. *its going to take me awhile to get used to call you that*
and so here are random facts about me..

1. On my 7th birthday, as I blew out the candles I made one wish.. ” I wish I was a Princess”
I soon realised that I was.. God was my father and He was King of Kings! so that automatically made me Princess. Isnt that amazing!! I cherish that revelation.

2. Justin and I spent a lot of time alone at home because both my parents were working and we didnt have any neighours our age to play with. While he amused himself by torturing insects.. I invented something that would guarantee that you put on 10 kilos in a month. I mixed butter and sugar.. and then added chocolate powder, kept in the fridge for awhile and ate it all by myself. mmm… I ate it almost everyday.

3. I do not know how to ride a bicycle.

4. I hated my name when I was in school. Coz’ none of the teachers could say it right..

5.  I had my first “crush” when I was 6.

6. I’m terrified of insects.. All I can do when I see them is scream. I’ve even had dreams where I ask God why he created insects in the first place and in one of my dreams, my cousin answered the question saying- Just be glad they’re not as big as flamingoes. I still dont know what that means.

 7. I learnt how to swim by myself. There were people who tried teaching me but all that didnt work. When I was 12 with no one but my little brother Justin *he really was little then* in the pool.. I’d stand at the edge of the shallow end and say a prayer- “Dear God, Im going into the deep end. I do not know how to swim. Please dont let me die. ” and then I would step out holding onto the side of the pool and move slowly all the way around. I didnt die. He actually listened to me.

8. I’ve been addicted to TV ever since I could say the word TV.

9. I was really talkative in school *still am* and teachers would try everything to make me stop.. One made me sit next to a really quiet girl but I got her talking in a couple of days. Then they made me Class monitor.. That worked… for a while

10. My eyes are actually a mixture of green and grey.. They turn brown when they come into contact with light. how weird is that?!

There you go.. Useless info about me!

I tag Sheila, Benita, Ashwini, Hozefa, Paras, Joel, Jen and Sharla.

 

My oh-so-exciting life

Yesterday was quite productive. Atleast according to me..

In an attempt to put the pieces of my life together.. I decided it was time to brush off the dust and actually switch on my keyboard. Most of you know *and never let me forget* that my keyboard spent the whole of the last two years as a decorative article in my room. Yesterday, I felt like I had to do something. I went online… looked around for chords, even asked Gaston for some. He, btw, seems to think its very funny that I actually want to start learning again. He couldnt stop laughing when I asked him to teach me! We both started learning together 2 years ago.. and today he plays every sunday.. and I … dont.

Anyway, almost everyone who saw me or heard me practice kept asking why.. What do you mean Why?! I spent money for it.. I have to use it sometime in life na… I cant waste my “talent”..some people I tell you! oof!

I finally joined the classes for IELTS exam.. I know it seems completely unnecessary to waste money on something like that.. It is after all just English exam.. But Momt thinks I wont study unless im pushed all the time. *grr* I hate it when she’s always right..
Its not all that bad actually. i’ll probably give my exam in a month or so.

I was up late last night reading ‘Te Kite Runner’.. From whatever I’ve read til now.. it seems like a great book.. The only reason I put it down was becasue I needed atleast three hours of sleep before I  got to college!

I’m also reading “Battlefield of the Mind- For teens” by Joyce Meyer. This is a fabulous book.. Yes, Im not a teen any more.. I keep forgetting how old I am.. thanks to oscar..
but, the book is really good. Its given me a lot to think about. What I feed into my mind. What I choose to think about. Have you  noticed it doesnt take much effort to think negative thoughts or doubt or worry..But it takes effort to think thoughts that are full of faith. Think about what you think.

I’m really excited coz’ Beni’s finally coming to India.. Mumbai to be specific.. for one whole year!! im so happy.. I finally get to meet her! I’ve heard sooooo much about her from Eben that I just have to meet her!

More good news-Aridhi’s back!!! Aridhi/R-E-D is back with a new blog.. her third one i think.. and I’m so glad coz’ I’ve really missed having her around. I wish I could go to Delhi and meet her.. That will have to go down on my list of places to visit… this list is getting longer by the day.. but til then, I’m happy visiting her blog!

There you have it..another exciting day in my life!

Game over

The only reason I’m writing this is because I need to stop thinking about whatever happened.

My results are here and unlike many others I have very few reasons to be happy. It was nothing close to what I expected. I didnt even cross a 60.

It feels like I’ve been pushed off a cliff and I landed down below, far away with a sickening thud.

My first thought was- I let them down. My Dad and Mom.. I let them down. I couldnt even bring a smile on Dad’s face. I’ve never said anything about it here til now.. but Dad has been going through a very very hard time for the past 4 or 5 months. He lost his job. Started his own business. Many promised to help him out and be there for him.. But one by one they went away. There are nights He cant even sleep because he gets so lonely. No one stood by him.

and I had to go and do this.

I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I wish someone would give me another chance..

but I dont think I could ever trust myself after this. I dont even feel like asking Dad to let me study further.

I wish I could somehow pay him back but what can I do? 

I wanted to do really well and leave college feeling like for once in my life I’ve achieved something.

but I look at myself and I see an empty pot broken to bits.

The game’s over and I lost.

Results, the weekend and College

I’m sorry for not posting.. just been busy or lazy.. whatever you want to call it.

My results are still not out!!! Someone mentioned that the University did not have enough stationery to print the results on! lol… Frankly, It would not surprise me!

So, I continue to wait.

In between all the waiting, I did manage to have an interesting weekend.. Saturday, was Zack’s birthday and Shannon, our wonderful worship leader sent everyone a message telling them they had to contribute 50 bucks for Zack’s gift and cake. Now, when I said everyone I meant everyone. He sent Zack the same msg!!!!! ahahahahhahaha… We were laughing so much about it.. but Zack was nice enough not to mention it! lol

Sunday was Father’s Day! For the first time in my life I called and wished Dad and even prayed for him over the phone.. He was so touched.. *makes me feel all warm inside*

We had an evening service this week! What a night!! First, the skit written by our very own Oscar Abraham Varghese a.k.a Osciboy was fab! *The best actor award has to go to Shirley!! She played the role of the nagging wife to perfection adn she’s only ben married three weeks! lol..* Everyone loved it.. The lady sitting next to me had tears in her eyes! and Oscar seeing that he can write as well as act has decided to join the Ekkta Kkapooor/Balagi Telefilms bandwagon!!! I know he will be an instant hit! *I hope they force him to wear pink*

And then the message! Shyju gave a simple but really amazing message on being in the presence of God. Truly awesome! But for me, its not what happens at the meeting thats important but what happens when you go home after a great meeting.

Today, I went to college coz’ I really missed being there with everyone else.. honestly, I think I would gladly go thru TY all over again.. ok maybe not gladly.. but I’d go thru it!

Meeting everyone.. sitting in the canteen.. sharing food. going back to my old classroom.. *I miss it all so much* and I love being with my friends!! They have to be the best people in the world! I love the times we have together. I love how different they all are..
What a crazy bunch of weirdos we are!

Ashwini helped me with my resume today! She was pretty patient as she waited for me to list my.. uh.. achievements and interests and activites. but somewhere down the line I think she lost it and said something like ‘What have you been doing with your life?’
What am I supposed to do?!!! No one told me that eating and watching TV as activities/hobbies/interests would not look good on your resume! People should warn you about things like this.. That way I would’ve atleast tried climbing a couple of mountains or something!

Anyway, my resume is done.. Looks kinda impressive. I sent it to the organisation I want to work with.. Really hoping to hear from them. Its something I’ve always wanted to do. More on that later.

Afterwards, I begged Oscar to come and have lunch with me at Mama Mia’s because I didnt want to risk eating in the canteen. That place should be preserved as a wildlife sanctuary! We walked all the way to Mama Mia’s. Got in and got out in less than five minutes. They said that we would have to wait 45 minutes for our food because they didnt have any potatoes!! Can you believe that?

We did the only logical thing.. We took a train from Charni Road to Mumbai Central *its only two stations away*, took a cab to another branch of Mama Mia’s. Its bigger, air-conditioned and has a waiter named Sonu!!! ahahahahahahhahhhaha.. I refuse to explain the joke. If you dont know what I’m talking about.. Maybe its better that way!

After a good lunch, Oscar gets a brilliant idea. He made us walk all the way back to the station. We walked and walked. It was hot. Not a cloud in sight. If it had rained, maybe I wouldnt have been so cranky! After all the grumbling and complaining and the walking and the sweating we finally made it to station and we missed the train. We had to wait atleast 15 mins for the next one. And after all this, all Oscar could say was “Look at the bright side, Atleast the walk helped you in losing weight.” I really wanted to hit him then, but its so hard to hit a smiling face. And Oscar couldnt stop smiling. He found the highly annoyed and cranky me extremely amusing.. So I had to resort to other ways of torture. *evil grin*

Got home, fell on my bed and slept for 4 hours. College life is tiring. I still miss it though.

oh and it rained all evening. Heavily..
I think God likes a good laugh now and then…

At home.. missing College

Eben gave me a horrible scare yesterday. He called and said that my results were out. I tried not to think about it and go back to sleep.. but I couldnt coz’ my heartbeats were just too loud. I didnt want to tell mom… I’m scared of her sometimes.
But it was a false alarm *whacks Eben on head* .. I have atleast a day or two left..

I feel like I’m not ready for my results yet.. wouldnt it be better if they came out a couple of years later?? Why in the world do people add so much importance to marks? They dont defone who you are… 

I still sleep at 3 am each night.. uh morning.. and therefore cannot (will not) wake up in time for an early morning jog and in mumbai if you cant jog in the morning you’re never going to do it the rest of the day. You’ll probably be run over by a rickshaw if you try.. 

I miss college so much.. just sitting in class listening to some lecture that seems completely pointless at the time, passing notes throughout the lecture, sitting in the canteen for hours and the train rides!!! I miss all of it.. I want to go back.

It feels nice to know that I’m missed too.. Justin came back the first day with a bug grin on his face and said “College is really quiet now”.. I think thats his own way of saying- I miss you.

The first day, in the train.. Paras said- ” in memory of Christine, let us maintain a moment of noise.”

*laughing *

*still laughing*

Kids these days..

Oh how I miss college.. and how I miss my crazy bunch of friends!

Prints Of Elbows On My Bed

I read this and it brought back to my mind of how my mom prayed for me..the only reason I am here today is because she prayed.

I was but a youth and thoughtless,
As all youths are apt to be;
Though I had a Christian mother
Who had taught me carefully.

There came a time when pleasures
Of the world came to allure,
And I no more sought the guidance
Of her love so good and pure.

Her tender admonitions fell
But lightly on my ear,
And for the gentle warnings
I felt an inward sneer.

But Mother would not yield her boy
To Satan’s sinful sway,
And though I spurned her counsel
She knew a better way.

She made my room an altar,
A place of secret prayer,
And there she took her burden
And left it in His care.

And morning, noon and evening
By that humble bedside low,
She sought the aid of Him who
Understands a mother’s woe.

And I went my way unheeding,
Careless of the life I led,
Until one day I noticed
Prints of elbows on my bed.

Then I saw that she had been there
Praying for her wayward boy,
Who for love of worldly pleasures
Would her peace of mind destroy.

Long the conflict raged within me,
Sin against my Mother’s prayers,
Sin must yield – for Mother never
While she daily met Him there.

And her constant love and patience
Were like coals upon my head,
Together with the imprints
Of her elbows on my bed.

And so at last the fight was won,
And I to Christ was led,
And Mother’s prayers were answered
By her elbows on my bed.

The silversmith

Malachi 3:3 says: “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.

He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the
middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.” She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment.

Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?” He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

broken but ALIVE

First off, I want to say a big, christine style *with all the yelling and hugging* ‘Thankyou’ to all of you who commented on the earlier post. I was so upset at that time that I forgot to close comments.. but now Im glad I didnt.

I made a couple of decisions..
1. I want to forgive him. This is going to be hard for me. Really really hard. But God has helped me through bigger problems.. just another learning experience. But i’m still staying away from him. Four years is a long time. I’m not putting myself through this again

2. I am going to make sure that I never put myself in this position where someone has so much say over my life.. someone who doesnt really deserve it, who isnt capapble or worthy of it. *thankyou Sharla*

3. I have realised that your Tongue has immense power. You can make someone or break them completely. I choose to bless with my tongue. I’m not going to judge anymore. Whoever you are, whatever you’ve done.. I’ll love you the way God loves me.

4. Usually whenever people look at you, most of them cannot seem to look beyond your flaws… but its ok. Thats their problem.
There are a few who can see the real you amidst all the dirt.. Sometimes you dont even have to meet them to see it. *thankyou Beni*
There are those who’ve seen your “super holy side” and your “sinful side” and still love you the same *love you too Sheils*
And most importantly, when everyone else is looking down on you.. God still thinks the world of you! I love his heart and I love the way he loves me. I couldnt ask for anything more.

Broken but alive,
Enit

Broken

It hurts. It really does. I didnt say anything to you but you just started off from somewhere inside your own head. I really do hate what you’ve done to me. I hate how I fell prey to your charming ways.. I hate how foolish I was. 
Now you turn around and tell me I’m not good enough?
I dont understand what I did wrong.. all of my demons from 5 years ago come back to haunt me.. 

Fine.. I get it. I’m fat and ugly. I live on the sympathy of others.. I look for someone to compliment me… just so that I can have something to smile about. I’m everything I’d rather not be.. There’s a lot I want to change but I’ve tried so many times and now I just give up.

Everyone wants me to something different. I’m tired of being a people pleaser. I dont even know who my real friends are anymore.

I’m sorry I’ve never been what you’ve wanted me to be…

you broke me. you took everything you wanted.. sometimes by force. 
You broke me.. and now there’s nothing left. 

Mom’s home.. :)

Did anyone know about the cyclones that hit Oman?? Well, I didnt.. and I wish I had bothered to chueck the news or I wish someone had told me because then I wouldn’t have had to stand at the Airport for more than 2 hours waiting for mom.

We left home just 10 mins before her flight was due to land and I was a little nervous about her getting there before we did. We made to the airport to find that the plane was still somewhere in the air. That meant we had to wait… for really long.

Atleast I had the sense to buy the tickets to wait inside the airport and not outside in that horrible sticky weather. but we walked into find that we still had to stand because all the seats were occupied. So we waited til 2 am..

We reached home by 3 am..and mom insisted on telling us all her experiences.. . Then we wanted to open up her bags to see what she got us. She actually brought us Ice cream from Baskin Robbins..<although it looked more like Chocolate milk.. my mom can get a little crazy sometimes..> I had to explain to her that we could have bought the same thing from here but Somewhere in the back of her head is the idea that anything from Saudi *except fruis and vegetables* will be “cheaper” and better. *rolls eyes*
What a typical NRI!
By the time we got to sleep it was almost 4.30 in the morning. I’m sure she could have continued telling us her stories. We had to remind her that we sleep accordin to Indian standard time.

She was up way before me and went about cleaning and unpacking.. mothers! the house comes alive when they step in.

But she seemed quite happy with the house and she actually used my name and the word “responsible” in the same sentence.. and not in a negative sense! Now, that is encouragement. But I know I have a lot to learn before I try this again.

Lunch was good. Mom-made. There’s something about the way moms cook. You could dine at the finest restaurants all year but when you come back home to a simple mom-made meal… Nothing like it!

p.s- I did tell my mom that I missed her..
but I think she saw it in my eyes even before I could say a word.

Loving life,
Enit